(Posted in the first hours of 2 April, just so that no one confuses this prestigious forum with a hoax joke revue.)
Anthony Wiener administers a dose of reality to John “It’s not ‘boner,’ God damn it!” Boehner at the Congressional Correspondents Dinner:
“And really, who is Boehner fooling? What am I, like, ‘Anthony Wainer?’ What am I, like…who are you…I’m serious, brother, just embrace it.”
American lexicographer Sarah Palin on Fox about Libya: “I haven’t heard the president state that we’re at war. That’s why I too am not knowing — do we use the term intervention? Do we use war? Do we use squirmish? What is it?” Later in the interview, in a nod, perhaps, to shamanist beliefs not previously reported, Palin says that American policies should be guided by the North Star. Soak in the Tea Party goodness.
“Sarah Palin visited Israel. As if the Jews have not suffered enough.” -Jay Leno
“On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’” -Conan O’Brien
“If Bachmann and Palin get in, that’s two bimbos. And there there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got ‘Gilligan’s Island.’” -Bill Maher
“Donald Trump says he will run for president. He’ll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.” -David Letterman
“Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents – doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…” -Lewis Black
“According to reports, Gaddafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.” -Conan O’Brien
“House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it’s only Iraq where you don’t have to do that.” -Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in ‘Spider-Man: the Musical.’” -Jimmy Fallon
“No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi’s name. He’s like the Hanukkah of dictators.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Odyssey Dawn? That’s not a military operation. That’s a Carnival Cruise ship.” -Stephen Colbert
“When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, ‘I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.’ So now we’re at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist.” -Conan O’Brien
“A new poll shows that one of the major parties in this country – I won’t tell you which one – is a majority birther party. That’s right, more than half of Republicans now think Obama was born in Kenya. They literally do not know where babies come from.” -Bill Maher
Even Newt Gingrich A Little Depressed By Prospect Of Him Running For President
WASHINGTON-Expressing a reaction similar to millions of other dismayed Americans, Newt Gingrich admitted Monday that he too was feeling “pretty bummed out” about the prospect of a Newt Gingrich presidential campaign.
While confirming his ardent desire to be president, the former Speaker of the House told reporters the mere fact that American voters were seriously considering Newt Gingrich to be a viable Republican candidate in 2012 was a fairly distressing development that made him question the direction the country was moving in.
“Even when I see my name on a list of potential candidates, I think, you gotta be kidding me-Newt Gingrich?” said Gingrich, frowning and shaking his head in disbelief. “People are actually getting excited about the guy who engineered the 1995 government shutdown? I’m sorry, but that’s just sad.”
And, in a genuflection to the 1 April holiday just past, a few great past moments from The Onion:
Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet: Young Gore sets out for his new home, where the sky is clear, the water is clean, and there are no Republicans.
EARTH-Former vice president Al Gore-who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save-launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.
“I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen,” said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. “They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn’t they heed me before it was too late?”
Al Gore-or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al-placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity’s hubristic folly.
“There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race,” Gore said. “I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home.”
Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House
WASHINGTON-A little more than a month after the first family’s move to the White House, reports of strange happenings have continued to surface, with Sasha Obama confirming Tuesday that she had once again been visited by the eerie specter of the Bush twins.
Sasha, who was playing in the East Wing of the executive mansion so as not to disturb her busy father, reported seeing the former first twins while riding her Big Wheel tricycle down the Cross Hall corridor. The frightening apparitions, the 7-year-old said, emerged out of thin air and were dressed in identical outfits consisting of spaghetti strap tank tops and denim skirts.