“Ron Paul announced he’s running for president. And get this: he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. Now, I know he doesn’t have much of a chance but if he does win that’s going to be one hell of a victory party.” —Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he’s taken away from every other child in California.” —Craig Ferguson
“The federal government has hit the 14.3 trillion dollar debt ceiling and cannot legally borrow any more money. Can’t we work out a deal? We have the head of the IMF in one of our jails right now. I’m thinking, set bail at 14.3 trillion dollars.” —Jay Leno
“President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre—1967 borders. Native Americans said, “Why stop there? Let’s go back to the pre—1492 borders.”” —Jay Leno
“A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he’s seeing on the side.” —Jay Leno
In Partial Rapture, Credible Republican Candidates Vanish From Earth: Gingrich Left Behind
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In what some fundamentalist preachers are calling a “partial Rapture,” all credible candidates for the 2012 Republican nomination have mysteriously vanished from Earth.
While this seemingly Biblical phenomenon has been developing over the past several months, the disappearance of Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels over the weekend confirmed what many apocalyptic prophets had been predicting: a partial Rapture was underway.
For Rev. Harold Camping, the minister who made headlines by predicting that the entire world would end on May 21, the partial Rapture offered some measure of vindication, he said.
“The world really did end, Republican-wise, when Daniels dropped out of the race of May 22,” he said. “So I was only off by one day.”
Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds
CHAPEL HILL, NC—A study published Thursday by psychologists at the University of North Carolina concluded that all American problems—from stuck jacket zippers to the national debt—could be solved if citizens just stopped, took a deep breath, and thought for two seconds before they acted. “We found that in 93 percent of cases, a positive outcome could have been achieved if Americans simply splashed a little water on their faces prior to dealing with an unfair boss, being out of clean spoons, signing on to direct a second Wall Street film, or answering a call from a parent,” Janet Mallory, the study’s lead author, told reporters. “Our data indicate that when U.S. citizens don’t take a second to compose themselves, they typically charge in like maniacs and hurt either themselves or several million Iraqi civilians.” Mallory said a good rule of thumb for Americans is to think of a plan, stop, and then do the complete opposite.