Weekly Joke Revue: “DHS Announces 9/11 Racial Profiling Free-For-All”

Onion:

DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S. law enforcement would be engaging in an all-out nationwide racial profiling binge on Sunday, Sept. 11. “If you have curly hair, a beard of any kind, or so much as a hint of a foreign accent, get ready, because you will definitely be interrogated,” said Napolitano, cautioning those with surnames longer than five syllables or containing Z’s not to even look at a plane that day unless they wanted to spend an extra five hours held up at security. “My advice to anyone with even the slightest amount of melanin in their skin is just to stay inside and wait it out, because we’re going to be handing out pat-downs and full-on detentions like there’s no tomorrow.” Saying the success of the racial profiling spree would rely largely on public vigilance, Napolitano called on Americans to take note of anyone who looked different from themselves and either report such persons to authorities or “just take them down yourself.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.” –David Letterman

“The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‎”There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.” — Stephen Colbert

“Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, ‘I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is calling Obama’s bus tour the ‘Magical Misery Tour,’ which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hair Club for Men.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new slogan is: ‘I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.’” –Jon Stewart



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Sun 21 Sep 8:11 PM