Saturday Night Live rebroadcasts Fox’s coverage of the latest GOP debates:
Shades of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force attack that brought the Boston Police Department, and the city, to its knees on 31 January 2007. An Onion story titled “Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage: ‘We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kids Die'” set off a “brief panic” on Capitol Hill, according to Roll Call. Sample Onion Tweets:
Veteran hostage negotiator calls Rep. Boehner’s demands “unrealistic” #CongressHostage
President Obama in bullet proof vest now on Capitol steps trying to talk congressmen down” #CongressHostage
Obama on bullhorn: “John, I know you can hear me in there. Please, you don’t need to do this.” #CongressHostage
4pm deadline is in 15 minutes. Congress still has not received its $12 trillion #CongressHostage
From the story:
“Bring us the money and we let the children go, simple as that,” said Boehner, appearing in the East Portico with a serrated switchblade held to one of the fourth-grader’s throats. “If you want to play games and stall for extra time, we’re going to shoot one kid an hour, starting with little Dillon here.”
“Tick tock,” he added, vanishing back into the building with the terrified child in tow. …
As the dramatic standoff continues to unfold, the bipartisan gang of lawmakers has laid out additional terms for releasing the children. Among the demands are guaranteed re-election in 2012, reduction of the veto-override threshold from two-thirds to one half of the Senate, new desks, and safe transport to Reagan National Airport with a fueled-up private jet waiting on the runway. …
“There’s just no way of getting through to these people,” said Obama, holding his head in his hands.
“I know Speaker Boehner personally, and I know that he and his colleagues will not hesitate for a second to kill these poor children if they don’t get their way.”
“Trust me, this Congress will do it,” the president added.
Pat Robertson Says Falling Satellite Means God Thinks Satellites are Gay: Warns NASA Against Launching Future Gay Objects
VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) – Evangelist Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today’s broadcast of his 700 Club program by saying that the NASA satellite that plummeted to Earth did so “because God thinks satellites are gay.”
“We have to remember that the heavens are where God lives,” Rev. Robertson said during the broadcast. “If we launch something into outer space that God thinks is gay, He’s going to kick it right back to us.”
Mr. Robertson offered little evidence as to why God might think the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite was gay, but said, “It does have, I believe, a big telescope sticking out of it and I can see why God would not want that in His face.”
He added that the falling satellite “should serve as a warning to NASA not to launch other gay objects into space.”
“Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.” –David Letterman
“It’s like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, “You know, there’s something wrong with this mirror.” –Jon Stewart
“Perry said he didn’t do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he’s exhausted from executing all those people.” –David Letterman
“It was sweet to elect the first black president, but what would be even sweeter would be to see the first black president kicked out of office by the second black president. It could happen, he [Herman Cain] just kicked Rick Perry’s Caucasian ass up and down the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. … You know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and f**ks you.” –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore, on former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain
“President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him ‘the Antichrist.’ The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News.” –Jay Leno
“President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn’t take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he’s probably fried more people than global warming all put together.” –Jay Leno