Weekly Joke Revue: Gingrich “Americans want an adult, and no one has a stronger record of adultery than I do.”

Borowitz:

It was another rough day for Mr. Cain, who offered this response to a reporter’s question: “For the last time, I did not touch her down there. Oh wait, did you say ‘Libya?’”

Gov. Rick Perry also stumbled badly in a campaign appearance in Iowa, telling supporters, “If I am elected, I will find out where Iran’s nuclear weapons are. Also, where Iran is.”

Meanwhile, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich predicted that his recent rise in the polls is not a fluke: “The American people want an adult, and no one has a stronger record of adultery than I do.”

Onion:

Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually

WASHINGTON—Following two months of frustrated efforts to push his American Jobs Act through Congress, President Obama announced Monday he was now attempting to have each word of the bill passed individually. “This is a truly vital piece of legislation that needs to be approved in a bipartisan manner as swiftly as possible, and if that means passing it one single linguistic element at a time, then so be it,” the president told reporters, claiming he and Republican lawmakers had already agreed on several synonyms that could be substituted for various controversial modifiers. We just had a major breakthrough with the third appearance of the word ‘it’ earlier today, and we all were surprised to find common ground on ‘that.’ But I must caution Americans that we still have hundreds of key multisyllabic words to get through.”

Rick Santorum Asks U.S. Populace If He’s Still Running For President

DES MOINES, IA—At a campaign stop Monday, former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum asked a crowd assembled in the parking lot of a Hy-Vee supermarket if he was still running for president. “America, I have only one question for you,” said Santorum, who later wondered aloud if he might be mistaking himself for former Utah governor Jon Huntsman. “Am I, Rick Santorum, still a candidate for president of the United States? I think I am, but then again, I may have dropped out months ago because nobody really pays attention to me or cares about what I have to say. It’s like I’m here but I’m not here. Anyway, just let me know if I’m still up for the nomination. Thanks!”

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2 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. Newt never signed up for the infantry

    so he’ll never grow up to the adult’ry

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