Weekly Joke Revue: “Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex”

 

Rick Perry to the Des Moines Register: the Supreme Court has eight justices (true! no joke, but certainly worthy of the Revue):

“I trust those independent school districts to make those decisions better than eight unelected and frankly unaccountable judges,” Perry said in discussing school prayer.

Baratunde Thurston launches PoorBlackKid.com following the success of this piece on CNN:

The following letter is a response from a hypothetical child to Gene Marks’ article in Forbes, titled “If I Were A Poor Black Kid.” While completely fabricated, the letter below has a stronger basis in reality than does Marks’. In his article, Marks, a business and technology contributor to Forbes, argues poorly that poor black children should use technology to improve their station in life. The article is terrible.

Dear Mr. Gene Marks,

I am a poor black kid. I don’t have great parental or educational resources. I’m not as smart as your kids. These are facts. In 2011.

The one smart thing I do everyday is read Forbes. It’s what all us poor black kids do. Forbes is constantly reporting on issues of relevance to me and my community. This week, I found your article “If I Were A Poor Black Kid” printed out and slid under my door like all Forbes articles.

Thank you Mr. Marks. You have changed everything about my life. Thanks to your article, I worked to make sure I got the best grades, made reading my number one priority and created better paths for myself. If only someone had suggested this earlier. …

Onion:

Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.

During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation’s heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group’s long-standing mission and values.

“Although we’ve traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion,” said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood’s new slogan, “No Life Is Sacred.” “And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it’s going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day.”

“The Abortionplex’s high-tech machinery is capable of terminating one pregnancy every three seconds,” Richards added. “That’s almost a million abortions every month. We’re so thrilled!”

The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption. Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives.

The remaining space is dedicated to amenities such as coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater—features intended not only to help clients relax, but to foster a sense of community and make abortion more of a social event.

Borowitz:

Fox News Names Pepper Spray Person of the Year: First Food Product to Snag Top Honors

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The Fox News Channel made history today by naming “pepper spray” its Person of the Year for 2011.

Fox anchor Megyn Kelly noted the historic nature of the nod, indicating that pepper spray was “the first food product, essentially” to receive such prestigious recognition.

“From Tahrir Square to lower Manhattan to UC Davis to Walmart, brave little pepper spray was there,” Ms. Kelly said, adding, “I’m tearing up a little right now, which I guess is the effect that pepper spray has on people.”

“It truly is ‘the little crowd control weapon that could,’” she added.



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Fri 22 Aug 1:53 AM