Weekly Joke Revue: “Hey Mitt! Dogs don’t go there!”

Many thanks to alert BMGer davemb for his link to Hey Mitt! Dogs don’t go there! (I must also digress for a moment and reiterate that about 4.6 million Americans, two percent of voters, believe Romney’s first name is “Mittens,” Time reports):

More from the Gingrich campaign on the flip about Romney and dogs, including rarely-seen footage of the Fox “Seamus” interview in which Romney claims the dog loved his 12-hour expedition.

Barney Frank was asked recently about Sean Bielat, who is apparently planning to run again in MA after having moved to PA. Here was the Congressman’s response, via his office (email no link):

My opponent in 2010, Republican Sean Bielat, moved to Massachusetts to run against me and then moved back to Pennsylvania after he lost the race. He must have moved to Punxsutawney. When he didn’t see my shadow – I decided to retire at the end of my current term – he did a U-turn and headed back to Massachusetts to run again. Groundhog Day comes early this year.

Interestingly, Bielat’s personality in the last campaign was strikingly similar to that of Bill Murray at the start of his fine documentary Groundhog Day. Frank crushed him in the election.

Borowitz:

Romney Vows to Undo Everything Obama Has Done: ‘I Will Make Bin Laden Alive Again;’ Calls Slain al-Qaeda Leader a Job Creator

MANCHESTER, NH (The Borowitz Report) – In a rousing victory speech in New Hampshire last night, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney vowed to undo everything Barack Obama has done as President, promising his supporters, “I will make Osama bin Laden alive again.”

Mr. Romney called the assassination of bin Laden “just one of the many mistakes this President has made,” adding, “Say what you will about Osama bin Laden, the man was a job creator.” …

The reanimation of the slain al-Qaeda leader is just the first of many steps Mr. Romney plans to take in his effort to get the USA “back to exactly how it was” before Mr. Obama took office.

“As President, I will immediately close down GM and Chrysler and put thousands of Americans out on the street,” he said. “And then I will try to get a hold of the DNA of Qaddafi.”

Onion:

Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term

PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has “completely lost it,” President Barack Obama openly asked a campaign-rally crowd Tuesday why he’d want to serve another term as president of “this godforsaken country.” …

“I’m dead serious,” the president continued, saying that any reasonable person would have walked away the moment the Senate minority leader announced his main priority—above creating jobs and improving American health care—was to make Obama a one-term president. “I’m asking if anybody out there can come up with even one reason why I’d want to endure this unmitigated shit show for another minute, let alone through 2016. What’s in it for me, ex­actly? Can anyone answer that? Anyone at all?”

After a long silence during which crowd members mostly just shuffled their feet and stared at the ground, Obama said, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Ron Paul said he’s ‘nibbling at mitt Romney’s heels.’ At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.” –Craig Ferguson

“This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“Nation, unless you live in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard that yesterday’s New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I’m guessing you voted for Ron Paul.” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.” –Conan O’Brien

“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“Don’t you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?” –David Letterman

“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson



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Fri 29 Aug 12:19 PM