Weekly Joke Revue: “Obama Risks Alienating Republicans By Using Facts”

Be sure to visit the “Dog’s Against Romney” super-pack.

Onion:

Romneymania Sweeps America

TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former Massachusetts governor who now finds himself campaigning before a nation in the throes of full-scale Romneymania.

“The raw energy and enthusiasm Mitt Romney stirs inside people is like nothing I’ve ever seen,” Youngstown, OH auto mechanic Chris Ritenour said Wednesday. “Everything he says resonates with Americans. His moving story of growing up privileged, his inspiring rise from moderate wealth to overwhelming riches, his thrilling work in the highest echelons of corporate finance—he really speaks to the heart and mind of the common man.” … Countless reverent portraits of Romney have appeared in storefront windows and on building facades throughout the country, often accompanied by one of the candidate’s signature inspirational phrases, like “Let Detroit go bankrupt” or “Corporations are people, my friend.” …

“Mitt’s firm belief in unlimited corporate campaign donations is what first got me really excited,” said 48-year-old pipe fitter David Flores, adding that another reason he joined “Romney Nation” was because he found it “pretty cool” that Romney pays a lower income tax rate than he does. “Money is speech—that’s what the First Amendment is all about. Finally, there’s a candidate who speaks directly to me.” …

While surveys show Romneymania has swept across almost every demographic, Romney’s appeal among the nation’s youth, in particular, is nearly unanimous. Many young Americans acknowledged they had felt disillusioned by politics until hearing Romney’s explanation of how his coordination of corporate funding for the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics renders him uniquely qualified to be president, an assertion they said immediately revived their faith in American democracy. …

During a stop in Tampa, FL earlier this week, Romney was seen whipping a crowd of thousands into a delirious frenzy with his beloved, decade-old talking points about how he is not a career politician. The candidate reportedly inspired optimism and confidence by explaining he “never actually supported an individual mandate for health insurance at the federal level,” a battle cry that prompted the audience to chant his name for five straight minutes.

In a moment his supporters called “genuine” and “down-to-earth,” Romney then told the crowd that he, too, is currently unemployed and truly understands the fear of being laid off.

Borowitz:

Obama Risks Alienating Republicans By Using FactsRadical Tactic Sparks Outrage

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what some critics are calling the most radical tactic ever employed in a State of the Union Address, President Barack Obama risked alienating congressional Republicans last night by repeatedly using facts.

Mr. Obama stirred controversy throughout the speech with his relentless references to facts, data, and things that have actually happened, all long considered the third rail of American politics. … “We want to work with the President for the good of the American people,” added House Speaker John Boehner. “But he’s going to have to take facts off the table. That’s a deal-breaker for us.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He’s getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney’s campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney’s exact words, “Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.’” –Conan O’Brien

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better.” –Stephen Colbert

“There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.” –Conan O’Brien



Discuss

4 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. The people of Tampa

    are living in a dream world if they believe Romneymania has swept America. What has happened is in the world of their primary marketplace, Romney has purchased their attention by blanketing the media with as much advertising as they have space for. The rest of us haven’t noticed, and quite frankly, are wondering why Floridians have apparently changed their minds vis a vis Romney v Gingrich. It’s barely even on the radar of political junkies in the non Florida part of the country.

    Moving on to “Obama risks alienating Congressional Republicans”, are you kidding? President Obama couldn’t do a thing to get Republicans’ support or agreement on anything. Their predisposition is to oppose and insult him in the least professional ways possible. He should just proceed as if they are not there because trying to work with them is fruitless and pointless.

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Fri 1 Aug 7:52 AM