Weekly Joke Revue:

Borowitz:

A Clarification from Mitt Romney About Poor People

LA JOLLA, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today released the following letter to the American people: Dear American People:

Yesterday, comments I made about poor people made me look terrible.  This always seems to happen when I say what I really believe.

The fact is, I do care about poor people.  That’s because I’m poor myself, when you compare me to Mark Zuckerberg.

According to most projections, Facebook’s IPO should net Mr. Zuckerberg a personal fortune of $28 billion.  I couldn’t make a pile of dough-re-mi like that even if I fired people twenty-four hours a day.

Now, let’s take a look at Mitt Romney’s net worth: a measly $200 million.  Now do you see why I consider myself poor?  Compared to Mark Zuckerberg, Mitt Romney is practically a crack whore. ,,,

The fact is, if you’re poor in America, you should do what Mark Zuckerberg did: create a social network.  I’ve just started my own, called TwoFaceBook.  With TwoFaceBook, your profile doesn’t stay the same for more than two seconds.

In closing, there’s one more reason I don’t worry about poor people.  They have Groupons.

Vote for me,

Mitt Romney

Onion:

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America’s uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th nuclear weapon. “Our intelligence estimates indicate that, if it is allowed to progress with its aggressive nuclear program, the United States may soon possess its 8,500th atomic weapon capable of reaching Iran,” said Iranian foreign minister Ali Akbar Salehi, adding that Americans have the fuel, the facilities, and “everything they need” to manufacture even more weapons-grade fissile material. “Obviously, the prospect of this happening is very distressing to Iran and all countries like Iran. After all, the United States is a volatile nation that’s proven it needs little provocation to attack anyone anywhere in the world whom it perceives to be a threat.” Iranian intelligence experts also warned of the very real, and very frightening, possibility of the U.S. providing weapons and resources to a rogue third-party state such as Israel.

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.” –Jay Leno

“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” –Jay Leno



Discuss

3 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. Priceless...

    I’ve just started my own, called TwoFaceBook. With TwoFaceBook, your profile doesn’t stay the same for more than two seconds.

    You are ALL hereby and forthwith required and directed, in all future correspondences, blog posts, casual conversations, tweets, plusses and even actual facebook posts, to refer to Mitt Romney as

    “Mitt Romney: The CEO of TwoFaceBook.”

    Fail not in this duty as the cause of political satire, in service to the nation, is in your hands.

    Carry on.

  2. The Onion piece was spot on.

    I’ve never understood what right we have to tell Iran they can’t have a nuclear weapon when we are a nuclear power ourselves.

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Mon 20 Oct 11:46 PM