Weekly Joke Revue: “Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser”

Onion:

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation’s Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. “As I stand before you today, I wish to issue an appeal to my Hispanic friends all across this great land of ours: Please do the right thing and give me back my property,” said Romney, adding that while he didn’t want to accuse the nation’s 21.7 million registered Hispanic voters of stealing the watch, he was certain that no one in his family stole it, and that watches don’t just walk off by themselves. “I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of Castro’s Cuba—that if my watch is put back in its rightful place in the next two hours, I will consider the matter closed and no one will be the wiser.” With the watch still not returned at press time, Romney begged the nation’s Hispanics, “Please don’t make me call the—how do you say it? El policío? La policía? The appropriate authorities.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.” –Stephen Colbert

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.’” –Jay Leno

“Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.” –Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know whether Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich won but we do know one thing for certain: tomorrow both of them can go back to ignoring Latinos.” –Stephen Colbert

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Look at that (image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer’s finger in Obama’s face). Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” –Bill Maher

“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxemburg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” –Bill Maher



Discuss

2 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. My contribution for the week.

    Here are Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy mocking Fox News.

  2. Republicanines are better at this game

    Alas, their freelordships do not *intend* such exuberances as the one I shall quote to be a hoot. _¡Sic vos, non vobis, mellificatis apes!_

    =

    My oldpal Fratboy von Pickup, well known in what might be described as “shirtless cosmopolitan circles,” has just discovered the Unfairness of Life:

    She will have tens of millions of dollars to spend. Our campaign will fight back with the truth.

    Happy days.
    –McVeritas

    ___
    [1] This oldpalship is better remembered by The People’s Seatwarmer than by Paddy McTammany. I daresay he recalls better than Dr. Alzheimer and I can hope to.

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