Weekly Joke Revue — Romney: “Poor People Taste Like Chicken”

Borowitz:

In Possible Gaffe, Romney Says Poor People ‘Taste Like Chicken’: Awkward Moment at Ohio Wrestling Event

TOLEDO (The Borowitz Report)) – In what some political observers are calling a possible gaffe on the part of the former Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney told a crowd gathered for a World Wrestling Entertainment event in Ohio today, “I love poor people. They taste like chicken.”

After an awkward silence from the crowd and a smattering of boos, Mr. Romney added, “Really, you should try them someday. They go well with a nice Sancerre.”

The GOP frontrunner’s latest faux pas came just two days after Mr. Romney’s big win in the Michigan primary, in which he narrowly defeated a mental patient in a sweater vest.

In Michigan, Mr. Romney had spoken to workers at a GM plant, saying, “I love cars. I’m like a car. I was conceived in Michigan and my microcircuitry is from Japan.” …

In other campaign news, former Senator Rick Santorum addressed the controversy over contraception, telling a crowd in Dayton, “The best form of contraception will always be underwear with a picture of me on the crotch.”

Santorum Proposes Replacing Church, State with New Entity Called ‘Sturch’: Would Offer Salvation, Motor Vehicle Renewals on Sunday

LANSING (The Borowitz Report) – Telling a crowd of supporters that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up,” GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum today proposed replacing church and state with a new entity he called “sturch.”

“Merging church and state into sturch will benefit all Americans,” he said. “Except maybe Jews.”

Mr. Santorum said that the combined entity would offer greater convenience to the American people than the separation of church and state currently does, since Americans would be able to get salvation and motor vehicle renewals at the same place every Sunday. …

In other campaign news … [a]n upbeat Mr. Romney visited the Daytona 500, where he told a reporter, “I love this stuff. I’ve always been a big NASDAQ fan.”

Onion:

Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth

WASHINGTON—As Rick Santorum has emerged to become Mitt Romney’s leading opponent for the Republican presidential nomination, the American electorate said Monday it had slowly begun to realize that the former Pennsylvania senator sincerely believes every deranged word that exits his mouth.

Uneasy voters told reporters it was becoming more and more evident that comments from Santorum defending sodomy laws as acceptable restrictions on “wants and passions” and characterizing pregnancy occurring through rape as a “gift” from God were not politically calculated but were, in fact, spoken out of sincere, startling conviction.

“I honestly thought he was just playing up to the far-right voters, because that’s what Republicans are supposed to do in the primaries,” said Grand Rapids, MI resident Dan Banks, who explained he had dismissed as manipulative campaign rhetoric Santorum’s assertion that President Obama would send Christians to the guillotine. “But now it’s dawning on me that this guy means it, all of it. Every single thing he says is an accurate depiction of how he sees the world.”

“So, when he said that Satan was currently attacking the United States, he meant exactly that,” added Banks. “Satan, the devil himself, is attacking the United States. Rick Santorum believes this is a real thing that is actually happening. I…wow. Just wow.”

Gallup polls taken during the campaign show an evolving awareness among voters that Santorum is not lying about any of the horrifying things he says. For example, in August of last year, 96 percent of voters said they thought Santorum could not possibly be serious when he said gay marriage was “an issue just like 9/11,” compared with only 9 percent today. And in that same time span, the number of voters who believe Santorum was not at all kidding when he said the president had a “deep-seated antipathy toward American values and traditions” has increased more than tenfold.

While few voters said they had been following Santorum long enough to have read the 2002 Catholic Online article in which he attributed sexual abuse in Boston-area Catholic churches to the “academic, political, and cultural liberalism” of the region, all agreed his performance in the current campaign was more than adequate to drive home the difference between the candidate’s authentic lunacy and the obvious pandering of his primary opponents. …

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney’s case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

“They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It’s called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul announced earlier today his campaign is the only one that’s entirely financed by moonshine.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it’s a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan’s Trees”

10. “I seem less wooden standing next to one”
9. “In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel”
8. “They’re also just the right width”
7. “It’s fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves”
6. “They’re not gay, like palm trees”
5. “They don’t shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees”
4. “They look great next to my wife’s Cadillacs”
3. “Trees don’t whine when strapped to your car roof”
2. “They’re not afraid to stand up to the auto industry”
1. “Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows”

“Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” –Stephen Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college



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One Comment . Leave a comment below.
  1. Wow

    It’s a sad state of affairs when you have to scroll back up to confirm if an article really is from the Onion.

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Mon 28 Jul 2:15 AM