In Controversial Decision, Supreme Court Replaces Annual Physicals with Strip Searches: Major Expansion of Police Officers’ Role
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a stunning decision on the future of healthcare in America, the Supreme Court decided today that annual physicals were unconstitutional and should be replaced by random strip searches conducted by the nation’s police.
The decision, which appeared to expand the role of the police to include such duties as performing breast and prostate exams, took many in both the healthcare and law enforcement communities by surprise. …
By replacing annual checkups with random strip searches, the Court raised worries in the healthcare community that patients would not get the care they need, but those concerns were brushed aside by Justice Samuel Alito.
“Ultimately, the responsibility to secure adequate medical attention falls to the citizen,” he said. “When a policeman is searching his body cavities, for example, it’s up to the citizen to say, ‘There’s a mole I’d like you to look at.’”
Texts from Hillary hits the meme charts:
“Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, ‘What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?’” –David Letterman
“Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they’re not that excited about it. It’s kind of like starting to accept that you’re going to prom with your sister.” –Jay Leno
“The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who’s arrested — even accidentally — can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court’s five conservatives. You know — the ‘defending personal liberty’ guys. Which is weird because I’m not a constitutional scholar, but I’m willing to bet Big Government feels it’s biggest when it’s inside your anus.” –Jon Stewart
“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” –Jay Leno
“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he’s in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno
“I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played an April Fools’ joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien
“This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court.” –Bill Maher
“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn’t want to return to his old life of panning for gold.” –David Letterman