Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment
WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president’s health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We are committed to protecting the health of the American people, and while it’s not a perfect solution, allowing citizens to scoop up fistfuls of ointment from a giant communal jar would at least guarantee a certain minimal level of care,” said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, stating that the 96,000-pound container of topical rub would be located in the middle of the country and that, in some cases, citizens might have to travel 1,300 miles to have access to the salve. “I will say there is only a limited amount of ointment, and those citizens who are gravely ill and lack medical insurance will get first dibs at the soothing unguent.” …
Charles Manson Denied Parole, Effectively Ending His Bid for Republican Presidential Nomination: Clears Path for Romney
KINGS COUNTY, CA (The Borowitz Report) – Serial killer Charles Manson was denied parole yesterday, effectively ending his bid for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.
With Mr. Manson no longer a contender, the path appears to be clear for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney to become the party’s nominee.
Perhaps in recognition of this development, Mr. Romney unveiled a new campaign slogan today: “Sorry, But You Have No Other Choices Now.”
“Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don’t recognize.” –David Letterman
“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?” –David Letterman
“Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland… they travel all over.” –Jay Leno
“After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ‘90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’” –David Letterman
George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy.” –Conan O’Brien