Weekly Joke Revue: Lincoln Killed Self After Vision of Future Republicans

White House Correspondent’s Dinner, compiled by Daniel Kurtzman. Obama:

On Romney: “We both have degrees from Harvard. I have one, he has two. What a snob.”

“Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel … Jimmy got his start years ago on The Man Show. In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.”


“It’s fun to have conversations with people who are so passionate about politics. I talked to a guy who is a huge supporter of Obamacare and a guy who says it’s disaster that should be killed immediately. It was interesting, because I’d never met Mitt Romney before.”

“You can’t have a beer with [Mitt Romney], because he doesn’t drink. You can’t have a cup of coffee with him, because he can’t have caffeine. You can’t even play Monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car.”

“Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every Scooby Doo episode.”

“Rick Santorum is out. I guess it just wasn’t Rick’s year. Rick’s year is 1954. You know, it’s one thing to oppose gay marriage. It’s another all togther to do it in a sweater vest.”

“I actually have my own theory about Lincoln’s death. I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent. I don’t even think it was an assassination. I believe that Abraham Lincoln had a vision of what the Republican Party would become in 150 years, and he shot himself. Is the Fox table laughing, or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?”


Romney Pays Surprise Visit to his Money in the Caymans, No Timetable for Withdrawal, Says Presumptive Nominee

The Borowitz Report – In an uncharacteristically emotional scene for the presumptive GOP nominee, Mitt Romney today paid a surprise visit to his money in the Cayman Islands.

Speaking in a bank vault surrounded by stacks of cash, Mr. Romney praised his money for “the brave work you have done in the never-ending fight for freedom from Federal income tax.”

“Thanks to your hard work, losers around the world are envious of me,” he added.  ”For that I salute you.”

Stressing that his money’s mission in the Caymans was “far from over,” he refused to set any timetable for withdrawal.

In a reference to his bid for the Presidency, Mr. Romney told his money, “It would be an honor and a privilege to have my face on you someday.”

After plunging into the stacks of cash to touch many of the dollar bills individually, Mr. Romney boarded his private jet to pay a surprise visit to Switzerland.

In other political news, Newt Gingrich suspended his presidential bid today, telling reporters: “A campaign is like a wife.  When it’s on life-support, it’s time to leave.”


3 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. He's wrong

    Jimmy got his start years ago on The Man Show.

    Actually, Kimmel got his start on Win Ben Stein’s Money.

    I have no idea what they call that in Washington.

  2. Win Ben Stein's money

    One party probably calls that “creating jobs”!

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