Blue Mass Group

Borowitz:

My School Days By Mitt Romney

NEW YORK – (The Borowitz Report) – Today, presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney released the following open letter to the American people:

Dear Friends:

This week, The Washington Post reported an incident from my high school days in which I bullied a gay classmate by pinning him to the ground and cutting his hair off. This story revealed a side of Mitt Romney that may have been surprising to many of you: the Mitt Romney with an irrepressible and hilarious sense of humor.

Some of you may say, “Hold on, Mitt – isn’t holding a kid down and cutting off his hair going a little far?” Well, the merry prankster in me tells me you can never go too far when it comes to giving the greatest gift of all: the gift of laughter. And I certainly remember many of us laughing long and hard about what I did to that Nancy-boy. Was it cruel? Perhaps, but it’s not like I tied him to the roof of a car or anything.

The Democrats have already tried to seize on this incident as evidence that I don’t like gays. That is a lie. I have nothing against gays. Except for the poor ones, of course. … The fact is, boys will be boys. Who among us hasn’t shoved a crippled kid down a flight of stairs? That’s something else I did in those mischievous days, but the mainstream media isn’t reporting it because they want to turn this into an anti-gay thing. The fact is, when I was in high school I played pranks on everyone – blind kids, deaf kids, dwarves and Jews. Although come to think of it, I don’t think our school accepted Jews.

Now that I’ve put my actions into better context, I hope you’ll see this incident with the gay kid for what it was: innocent good fun. And I hope when you vote in November, you won’t judge me as the teenager who bullied one gay boy, but rather as the adult who fired thousands of people.

Vote for me,

Mitt Romney

Onion: “Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan.” –Jay Leno

“Let’s just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?” –Jay Leno

“France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.” –Conan O’Brien