“President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great – now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of my relatives in Utah, my dad who was born in Mexico, my great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that I’m a strict conservative on the subject.” –Bill Maher
“I don’t know what it’s like at your salon, but at mine, isn’t the guy cutting the hair the gay one?” –Bill Maher
“There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids’ lunch money – oh, I’m sorry, that’s his present-day economic policy.” –Bill Maher
“This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn’t know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor.” –Jay Leno
“Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann’s husband and cutting his hair.” –Jay Leno
Elizabeth Warren destroys the universe
“Funny. She doesn’t look Jewish.”
~ Mitt Romney
Massachusetts, The Macrocosm — This past month Republican Senator of Massachusetts’ Scott Brown criticized election opponent Elizabeth Warren for claims of Native American heritage. While one might assume that this less a noteworthy story than an election year news filler bollocks, it is, in fact, the End of the World As We Know It™.
A Letter from Mark Zuckerberg About Facebook’s IPO
Tomorrow is Facebook’s IPO, and I know what some of you are thinking. How will Facebook be any different from the dot-com bubble of the early 2000’s?
For one thing, those bad dot-com stocks were all speculation and hype, and weren’t based on real businesses. Facebook, on the other hand, is based on a solid foundation of angry birds and imaginary sheep.
Second, Facebook is the most successful social network in the world, enabling millions to share information of no interest with people they barely know. …
Finally, if you invest in Facebook, you’ll be far from alone. As a result of using Facebook for the past few years, over 900 million people in the world have suffered mild to moderate brain damage, impairing their ability to make reasoned judgments. These will be your fellow Facebook investors.
With your help, if all goes as planned tomorrow, Facebook’s IPO will net $100 billion. To put that number in context, it would take JP Morgan four or five trades to lose that much money.
One last thing: what will, I, Mark Zuckerberg, do with the $18 billion I’m expected to earn from Facebook’s IPO? Well, I’m considering buying Greece, but that would still leave me with $18 billion. LOL.
Hoping for Knockout Punch, CIA Sends JP Morgan Execs to Infiltrate Al-Qaeda: Terror Org Posts Huge Losses
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a covert mission designed to destroy what remains of al-Qaeda, the CIA has been infiltrating the terror network with executives from JP Morgan Chase, the banking giant. …
Pressed about the covert mission, CIA Director David Petraeus confirmed today that it had been a resounding success, telling reporters, “If you’re serious about putting someone out of business, there’s no one better than these JP Morgan guys. One of them can do more damage than a thousand drone strikes.”