Canada Bracing for Massive Influx of Wisconsin Boat People
Coast Guard on Alert
OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) – The Canadian coast guard was on alert today, preparing for what it fears could be a massive invasion of boat people from Wisconsin.
Conor McGlindon, commander of the Royal Canadian Mounted Coast Guard (RCMCG), said that satellite photos had revealed a “substantial flotilla” in the making, as Wisconsinites prepared to flee their state for their neighbor to the North.
“Word has gotten around that we have policemen, firemen, and basic school lunches up here,” Mr. McGlindon said. “You can’t blame these boat people for seeking a better life. But we are under orders to intercept them.” …
Speaking at the state capitol, Gov. Walker seemed philosophical about his legacy: “I’m not worried how history will remember me, because if I have my way there won’t be any history teachers.”
Ann Romney Says Husband Has Deeply Principled Side No One Ever Sees In Public
LA JOLLA, CA—Ann Romney, wife of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, said Monday that despite her husband’s public image as a shameless opportunist with no convictions whatsoever, in private he displays a rare principled side that most people never get to see. …
“I realize in debates and interviews he comes off as this completely amoral corporatist who couldn’t be more out of touch with average Americans—heck, sometimes even I roll my eyes,” Romney continued with a chuckle. “But when he’s out of the spotlight and just hanging out with me or his grandkids, enjoying the weekend, you’d be amazed. To us, he’s just regular old person-with-genuine-moral-convictions Mitt.” …
“I tell him, ‘Everyone thinks you’re a shallow and merciless prick with no real center and no interest in anything other than using other people’s money to make money for yourself,’” said Romney, adding that just throwing in an offhand principled stance during an interview could do wonders for him. “But, in the end, I guess he is who he is. You’re just going to have to believe me when I say that the fuddy-duddy in the suit you see pandering to absolutely anyone to win an election is pretty much nonstop commitment to heartfelt, conscientious ideals around the house.”
“Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.” –Jimmy Fallon