It is getting to be extremely difficult to keep up with Scott Brown and his campaign staff — “we are the 12%!” — for comic relief, but we’re going to give it a try this week in the spirit of bipartisanship that characterizes everything we do at Blue Mass Group.
A Letter from Mitt Romney to his Former Gardener: About the New Immigration Rules
The Borowitz Report has obtained the following letter from Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney to his former gardener, José Salazar:
I’m writing to you today with some exceptionally good news.
As you probably remember, a few months back I fired from you from your job mowing the lawn at my house. If I remember correctly, my exact words were, “I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals.”
Well, here’s the good news: now I can.
Thanks to President Obama’s executive order regarding immigration, I’m happy to report that I can hire you back to your old job, as long as you’re under 30. Am I right in assuming you are? You looked pretty young to me, especially for a person who spends so much time in the sun and isn’t allowed to come inside the house.
You see, as much as I like firing people, I’ve come to regret letting you go, José. Ann and I miss you. The young man we hired to replace you, while “legal” and all, just doesn’t mow the lawn as well as you do, and he insists on being paid “on the books,” which rubs Ann and me the wrong way.
So I hope you’ll consider my offer to come back. The only teeny hitch – and I hope you’ll agree that it’s just a teeny one – is that I’ll have to fire you again come January. I’ll be President then, and I’ll have to reverse everything that Obama did, for Pete’s sake.
But there’s a lot of mowing to be done between now and January, José, and Ann and I think you’re the man do it. If not, I suppose we’ll have to go out and hire ourselves a Greek fellow. I understand they work for nothing, or drachmas – whichever’s less. (Laughing Out Loud.)
“According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What’s next, boxing?” –Jay Leno
“Rand Paul…do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet… Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That’s got to make for an awkward Father’s Day this Sunday, doesn’t it? “Hey pop, what do you want for Father’s Day?” “I don’t know; a little support might be nice!” –Jay Leno
Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder
NORTHFIELD, OH—Sources at the Gregson-Turner Paper Co. confirmed that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent the vast majority of his visit to the company’s Ohio-based factory Tuesday yelling at employees to work harder.
Romney, who said the stop was an essential part of his tour of America’s manufacturing sector, arrived at the facility at approximately 10 a.m. and within minutes began mercilessly hounding workers throughout the plant to “get their acts together” and “start pounding out some paper, c’mon.”
“You people have been at work for nearly four hours and this is all you have to show for it? With all of this equipment?” a frustrated Romney reportedly shouted from the center of the factory while standing near several dozens crates of the day’s completed paper supply. “What a truly pathetic performance. You guys better think about tightening things up around here fast, because what I’m seeing right now is completely unacceptable.”
“For God’s sake, there should be 20 to 30 percent more paper out here!” Romney added.
According to sources, the GOP candidate continually screamed at workers throughout the expansive paper mill to “stop slacking off,” and in some cases even stood behind individual employees for as long as 15 minutes, loudly critiquing what he called the “unbelievable sloppiness” on display during every step of the paper’s production cycle.
“This is what they’re paying you to do?” sources said Romney barked to a lone worker transferring large rags of cotton pulp into a metallic spinning cylinder. “You’re just embarrassing yourself now, aren’t you? For Christ’s sake, put your back into it! God knows you’ll be making this up in overtime.”
“And what the hell do you all think you’re doing?” Romney then said to the room of workers now standing and staring at the scene. “Get back to work!”
Onlookers said the former Massachusetts governor later walked into the company’s cafeteria and told workers on their lunch break that “10 minutes was more than enough time to eat a damned sandwich,” coarsely reminding them that “the paper wasn’t going to produce itself out there.”
The few employees who attempted to shake Romney’s hand were quickly reprimanded by the candidate, who curtly told them to return to their jobs, telling them his visit was not “some sort of excuse to have a social hour.”
Sources said the former Massachusetts governor also provided several ideas for improving productivity at the facility, the majority of which, according to Romney, involved “trimming the fat” and “finally getting around to chucking out some of the dead weight around [the factory].”
“Now, someone like you we can easily fire,” Romney was overheard telling an employee removing paper bales from the mill’s loading space. “How exactly are you essential? No, honestly, give me one good reason—just one—why you should have a paying job here. Because I look at you and all I see is a pink slip and an extra 25 grand a year that could be funneled somewhere else.”
“I’m telling you, I’ve seen machines do your job way, way faster and for free,” added Romney, jutting a finger into the man’s face. “Remember that. And wipe that stupid look off your face.”
According to company officials, Romney proceeded to outline how dozens of jobs across the paper mill were unnecessary, noting that terminations would be required because, while there were much-needed managerial roles to be filled, current employees “lacked even a basic education” and could not seriously be considered for them.
“See, if I were in charge, I’d probably just move the entire plant to Taiwan and save us all a big chunk of change,” Romney said. “It’s stupid to overpay a massive, bloated staff like this when someone faster and younger can do all this overseas for a fraction of the price. That’s just common business sense. You’d seriously have to be an idiot not to see that, but hey, maybe that’s exactly what I’m dealing with here: idiots.”
“Thanks for all of your support again, guys,” Romney added as he left the factory