Blue Mass Group

Borowitz:

Chinese Workers Hail Romney’s Record as Job Creator: Mass Pro-Romney Rally in Beijing

BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) – After a brutal week in which he was booed by the NAACP and grilled by the media, Republican presidential choice Mitt Romney got some support from an unlikely place today: Beijing.

Manufacturing workers from across China flooded downtown Beijing to show their gratitude for Mr. Romney’s robust record of job creation in China while at the helm of the private equity firm Bain Capital.

While Mr. Romney’s feats of outsourcing have taken a political toll at home, they have made him a national hero in China, according to workers like Qiu Huang, who attended the rally.

“I owe my job to Mitt Romney, and so do many of my friends and family members,” he said. “His record as a job creator, in China at least, is second to none.”

Mr. Qiu said that if Mr. Romney ran for President of China, “he’d win in a landslide – he wouldn’t even need those billionaire brothers to buy ads for him.”

But the Chinese worker was surprised to learn that Mr. Romney had spent the better part of the week denying that he still worked at Bain during the company’s frenzy of outsourcing jobs to China.

“Why would you deny doing a great thing like that?” he asked. “That would be like denying you gave people healthcare.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they’re not that excited about it. It’s kind of like starting to accept that you’re going to prom with your sister.” —Jay Leno

During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That’s ridiculous. Some of my best friends’ gardeners are middle class.’ —Jimmy Fallon

Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people. —Jimmy Fallon

Onion:

Report On Continuing Plight Of Millions Of Unemployed Americans Results In Round Of High-Fives At Romney Campaign Headquarters: Romney staffers say the dismal economic forecast is cause for “great celebration.”

BOSTON—Bleak unemployment numbers released Wednesday reportedly sent a wave of applause cascading through the headquarters of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, with staffers rejoicing at news that millions of jobless Americans will continue to face crippling debt and emotional hardship as the election draws near.

Calling the Labor Department report a “major boost” for the campaign, sources confirmed the grim economic data and deeply troubling descent of unemployed Americans into utter financial ruin spurred a round of high-fives among Romney aides, followed by repeated hoots, hollers, and whistles. …

The campaign called the timing of Wednesday’s report ideal, as it followed a string of “pretty bad setbacks,” including last winter’s three months of solid economic growth, which raised morale for millions of struggling workers; Congress’ decision in February to extend long-term jobless benefits; and recent reports that new houses are being built at the fastest rate in years. …

“Great work, guys,” the candidate said between fundraising events. “Let’s build on this.”

More Borowitz:

My Finances: An Explanation from Mitt Romney

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney today released this letter to the American people:

Dear American Person:

As many of you know, in recent days my opponent has spread the rumors that 1.) I have refused to make my tax returns public and 2.) I have hidden my money in bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans. These two rumors, while true, have made me look very bad. So I thought I would take this opportunity to explain my finances in terms even a poor person could understand.

Let’s say you met the love of your life, and you wrote her a series of passionate love letters. In these letters, you told her how you intended to protect her, cherish her, and always keep her safe. And then let’s say somebody went and told you that you had to make those love letters available for the world to see. If you’re even half the man I am, you’d say, “Heck no.”

Well, in my case, the love of my life is my money. (If you don’t believe me, ask Ann.) And my tax returns are like my love letters to my money, detailing the lengths to which I’ll go to keep my precious money from being taken away from me. If you think I should make those love letters public, then I’m sorry, my friend, but you don’t believe in love.

Now, let’s say you asked the love of your life to marry you, and you’re fortunate enough that she said “yes.” Should someone be able to force you to spend your honeymoon in a ratty room at some Motel 6, where God knows what crackheads and whores slept before you? Or should you be allowed to take your bride to a five-star Swiss chateau, perhaps, or an exclusive beach on Grand Cayman? I think you can see where I’m going with this.

In conclusion: if refusing to release my tax returns and having foreign bank accounts is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I did it all for love. And as your President, I promise I will never, ever come between you and the thing you love. Unless you’re gay. (Laughing Out Loud.)

Vote for Me,

Mitt Romney