REPUBLICANS MOVE CONVENTION TO SEVENTEENTH CENTURY
TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—With the threat of Hurricane Isaac hitting Florida next week, the Republican National Committee took the extraordinary step today of moving their 2012 National Convention to the seventeenth century.
While the decision to send the convention four centuries back in time raised eyebrows among some political observers, R.N.C. spokesperson Harland Dorrinson downplayed the unusual nature of the move.
“After exploring a number of options, we decided that moving to the seventeenth century would cause the least disruption,” he said. “We’re not going to have to change a thing.”
Mr. Dorrinson added that despite recent controversy involving the U.S. Senate candidate Representative Todd Akin (R., Miss.), there would be no modification of the Party’s official platform: “After we ban abortion in cases of rape and incest, we’re going to focus on America’s spiralling witch problem.”
“Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman.” –David Letterman
“Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who that so little about a woman’s body doesn’t know when it’s time to pull out.” –Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.” –David Letterman
“Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They’re busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.” –David Letterman
“The War on Women may have been lost by a dick in Missouri.” —Andy Borowitz