Blue Mass Group

Borowitz:

JENNA JAMESON CLARIFIES HER ENDORSEMENT OF ROMNEY

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Concerned that her endorsement of former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney for President would lead to “cheap, easy jokes and innuendo,” porn star Jenna Jameson held a press conference today to explain her headline-making decision.

When asked what initially appealed to her about Mr. Romney, Ms. Jameson said, “He’s the only person who’s assumed more positions than I have.”

The actress said that she researched Mr. Romney’s career thoroughly, and was particularly impressed by his tenure at Bain Capital: “There’s nothing more American, I think, than screwing people you don’t know for money.”

While Mr. Romney’s recent foreign trip drew jeers from his critics, Ms. Jameson hailed his performance: “I respect someone who opens their mouth without thinking.”

The actress, who appeared as the character Holly So Tightly in the film Dirt Merchant, seemed unconcerned by the controversy swirling about Mr. Romney’s bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans: “I’ve put my assets in plenty of foreign places.” …

CHICK-FIL-A INTRODUCES NEW HATE SAUCE

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Customers across the nation who turned out for Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day were in for a surprise, as the chicken restaurant chose today to launch a new product, Hate Sauce.

Delighted customers mobbed the restaurants to try the zesty new sauce, with many chicken fanciers ordering their sandwiches with extra hate. “It’s so spicy it makes your mouth feel like it’s on fire—like a gay couple in hell,” said Harland Dorrinson, who sampled the sauce at a Chick-fil-A in Orlando.

But even as Chick-fil-A prepared to call its new hate sauce an instant hit, it faced a challenge from an upstart rival, Wing-n-nuts.

The rival chain, based in Falls Church, Virginia, chose today to introduce a new product targeting Chick-fil-A patrons, the Chicken Bacon Bigotwich.

“We think we’re going to take a big bite out of Chick-fil-A’s customer base,” said Wing-n-nuts corporate spokesperson Carol Foyler. “Their founder is anti-gay. But ours is anti-gay, anti-immigrant, and anti-woman. When word gets out about that, there’ll be lines around the block.”

MITT ROMNEY’S OLYMPIC TROUBLE CONTINUES

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Mr. Romney’s day got off to a bad start when he told a reporter for the Sunday Times, “I don’t mind that the British keep calling me a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a ‘W’?” …

Alfie Langlan, owner of the popular Earl’s Boot pub, in Central London, summed up Mr. Romney’s performance this way: “Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.”

Kurtzman:

“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.” – Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney’s problems is that he’s never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.” – Jay Leno

“Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what’s really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government.” –Jay Leno