When Romney and Ryan call themselves “America’s Comeback Team,” they mean they want America to come back to 1860.” -Andy Borowitz
“Sarah Palin didn’t read. Paul Ryan reads Ayn Rand. This round goes to Palin.” -Andy Borowitz
“Paul Ryan made all his interns read Ayn Rand. So I guess we know where he stands on torture.” -Andy Borowitz
“Paul Ryan being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.” -Andy Borowitz
“Paul Ryan is Romney’s pick for VP. Perfect choice. Ryan’s a water boy for the super rich and Mitt Romney is thirsty.” -Adam McKay
“When Mitt Romney called Paul Ryan ‘the next president,’ it proved that even robots make mistakes.” -Mike Birbiglia
“Paul Ryan. Dedicated to the belief that Mitt Romney needs a tax break more than you need Medicare.” -LOLGOP
“Paul Ryan has strong, unbreakable beliefs: Like the poor have it too good and billionaires just need a break.” –LOLGOP
“Since Romney doesn’t care about poor people, he needed to balance the ticket with someone who doesn’t care about old people.” -Andy Borowitz
“Hey girl, I know I’m only 42, but my ideas on women’s rights are over 500 years old.” -Paul Ryan Gosling
AN UNUSUALLY CANDID INTERVIEW WITH MITT ROMNEY
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney dropped by the Borowitz Report today and gave what some are calling his most candid interview ever:
Q: What do you see as the biggest challenge of your campaign going forward?
A: Well, I suppose the biggest challenge would be the same one I’ve faced all my life: that no one likes me. But as I’ve found in the past, money usually takes care of that.
Q: What do you need to do to persuade the right wing of your party that you’re one of them?
A: Well, first and foremost, I have to do a better job of convincing them that I believe in the crazy things they do. The problem is, the media keeps emphasizing aspects of my résumé that make me sound sane, like when I gave people in Massachusetts health care. Talk about something I’d like to have a Mulligan on! Now, there’s stuff in my biography that would help me with the Republican base—like the time in prep school when I pinned that gay boy to the ground and cut his hair off—but that gets little if any coverage. This is a clear case of media bias, and I wish it would stop.
Q: How are you working to change the perception that you’re sane?
A: Well, obviously, by saying stuff that makes me sound like I’m off my rocker. Sheldon Adelson has been super helpful with this. If I could just channel that guy, I’d be ready for the booby hatch! I mean, you want to talk about a few bricks shy of a load. [Makes circular motion by the side of his head.] Anyway, he’s given me some of my best lines for my stump speech. Like the one about how on Day One I’m going to move Obamacare and Planned Parenthood to Iran and then bomb the hell out of all three. That’s pure Sheldon.
Q: Speaking of your stump speech, recently you’ve been talking about how President Obama has fostered a “culture of dependency.” What’s the impetus behind that?
A: Oh, that’s to appeal to voters who don’t like black people. I thought that was obvious! Laughing Out Loud. Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for. I have to take some of the old Bain gang out for dinner and make sure we “keep our stories straight” about when I worked there.