Blue Mass Group

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Onion:

‘You Did Great!’ Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood

TAMPA, FL—Following Clint Eastwood’s surprise speech Thursday evening at the Republican National Convention, in which he used catchphrases from his old movies and addressed an empty chair as though Barack Obama were sitting in it, absolutely petrified personal assistant Tim Weddle nervously informed the famed actor and movie director that he “did great!” “Wow, that was amazing! Seriously, you were really, really great—everyone loved it so much,” a trembling Weddle carefully told Eastwood moments after the 82-year-old film legend finished his speech and walked slowly off the stage. “And you were so funny, too! Oh my God, so funny. The chair thing went over really well. You should have heard the laughter and applause from out here, Clint. Honestly, Clint. Honestly. And you looked so young, too!” At press time, a perspiring Weddle was frantically trying to keep Eastwood as far away as possible from any televisions, computers, or newspapers.

DNC:

Obama: “You might not be ready for diplomacy with Beijing if you can’t visit the Olympics without insulting our closest ally.”

Bill Clinton: “In Tampa, the Republican argument against the president’s reelection was actually pretty simple — pretty snappy. It went something like this: We left him a total mess. He hasn’t cleaned it up fast enough. So fire him and put us back in.”

“When Congressman Ryan looked into that TV camera and attacked President Obama’s Medicare savings as “the biggest, coldest power play,” I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Key cuts that $716 billion is exactly to the dollar the same amount of medicare savings that he had in his own budget. It takes some brass to attack a guy for doing what you did.”

“They want to go back to the same old policies that got us into trouble in the first place: to cut taxes for high income Americans even more than President Bush did; to get rid of those pesky financial regulations designed to prevent another crash and prohibit future bailouts; to increase defense spending two trillion dollars more than the Pentagon has requested without saying what they’ll spend the money on; to make enormous cuts in the rest of the budget, especially programs that help the middle class and poor kids. As another President once said — there they go again.”

John Kerry: “Ask Osama bin Laden if he’s better off now than he was four years ago.”

“For Mitt Romney, an overseas trip is what you call it when you trip all over yourself overseas. It wasn’t a goodwill mission — it was a blooper reel.”

Joe Biden: “Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.”

Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland: “If Mitt was Santa Claus, he’d fire the reindeer and outsource the elves.”

“Barack Obama is betting on the American worker. Mitt Romney is betting on a Bermuda shell corporation.”

“Barack Obama saved the American auto industry. Mitt Romney saved on his taxes.”

Jennifer Granholm, former governor of Michigan: “Sure, Mitt Romney loves our lakes and trees. He loves our cars so much, they have their own elevator. But the people who design, build, and sell those cars? Well, in Romney’s world, the cars get the elevator; the workers get the shaft.”

“America, let’s rev our engines! In your car and on your ballot, the ‘D’ is for drive forward, and the ‘R’ is for reverse. And in this election, we’re driving forward, not back.”