Debate Victory Validates Romney Strategy of Nonstop Lying
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking a victory lap after their candidate’s win in the first Presidential debate Wednesday night, Romney campaign insiders today attributed his success to his strategic use of relentless lying.
“We worked for hours on this during the practice debates,” said the campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “We were, like, ‘Mitt, if you find yourself on the verge of saying something true, bite your tongue.’ ”
Mr. Rhoades said that the nominee was allowed to say his real name and acknowledge that he used to be a Governor, “but other than that, he was on a very short leash, truth-wise.”
Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards
WASHINGTON—Startled sources at a GOP fundraiser confirmed Thursday that after being duped into saying his own name backwards, ancient elfin mischief-maker and Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus was cast back into the gilded puzzle box that has confined him for millennia. …
Witnesses stated that in the moments after the fateful words were uttered, Priebus reverted to his natural form as a 3-and-a-half-foot-tall wart-covered hobgoblin. As Priebus’ nose grew red and bulbous and the points of his green felt shoes coiled inward, the puzzle box—forged with images of a sword, a skull, and a jackal—shook violently on a nearby tabletop before splitting open and emitting heavy smoke and an eerie purple glow. …
“It was the strangest thing,” conservative blogger Christine Parnell said. “One second Reince was talking about the importance of a two-parent household, and the next he turned into this ugly, shrieking little troll and began levitating across the podium. But as soon as the box snapped shut around him, all the lights came back on, the wind stopped, and it was as if he never existed at all.”
Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama (as reported by Iran’s national news agency)
CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president Barack Obama. “I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.” According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.
Hat tip, stomv from the comments:
“The debates begin tomorrow night and we’ll see Mitt and Ann Romney. Of course, you remember them as the stars of TV’s ‘Dynasty.’” –David Letterman