Blue Mass Group

Jon Stewart from the Rumble with Billy O’:

 ”I’m here to plead to the mayor of Bullsh*t Mountain. Talk to your people!”

While discussing cutting funding for PBS: “Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television is on the house.”

“The first sentence of the Constitution mentions unions and welfare. I don’t know what to tell ya.”

Stewart’s advice for young people:”Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I would rather live in than now. …There’s a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity better than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that, and I believe this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them, as well as any other generation in America would have done. My advice to them would be to please don’t think of me as an entitled moocher when I’m collecting my government benefits.”

Onion:

Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend

ALEXANDRIA, VA—With her parents leaving town to celebrate their 98th wedding anniversary, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg made plans Friday for a major house party, inviting all her Supreme Court colleagues to what she promised would be “a classic Ginsburg throwdown.” …

According to sources, Justices Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, Samuel Alito, Stephen Breyer, and Clarence Thomas arrived first, catching a ride to the party in the open-backed Jeep Wrangler of Chief Justice John Roberts, who had earlier persuaded his older sister Kathy to buy beer. Justices Sotomayor and Kagan showed up shortly thereafter, having taken longer than expected to dupe their parents into thinking they were sleeping over at each other’s houses.

Though David Souter had hoped to drive down from New Hampshire and party with the court “like old times,” the retired justice told reporters he had to cancel when his plan to “squeeze some gas money out of the old man” fell through. …

Witnesses reported that at approximately 1 a.m., the revelry came to a grinding halt when a police car was spotted in the driveway, prompting the nine members of the highest court in the land to scatter into the woods behind the house.

After an initial scramble by the justices to hide the weed and reach a consensus on whether law enforcement in this instance had probable cause to search persons for possession of a controlled substance, Ginsburg, who was the most sober and once served as general counsel for the American Civil Liberties Union, was nominated to the do the talking.

“The cops were pretty cool and let me off with a warning to keep the noise down and make sure everyone got home safe,” Ginsburg said. “It’s a good thing, too, because my dad would have really let me have some 19th-century discipline if he found out I had people over.”