Weekly Joke Revue: “Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls”

Onion:

Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls: ‘You Are Our Supreme Leader,’ Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison

NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of New Texas today, a remote, fiscally conservative planet populated by 1 billion tiny versions of himself.

“My people, I stand before you today to announce that I, Ron Paul of Earth, accept this position as your planet’s benevolent ruler,” said Emperor-elect Paul, smiling before millions of 18-inch-high Ron Pauls, who alternately applauded, cheered, and chanted, “You are our supreme leader,” at a victory rally held minutes after the Ron Paul News Network declared him the projected winner of the 2012 election. “From this day forth, the planet of New Texas shall be a veritable utopia for Ron Pauls of all sizes.”

Standing below the 50-foot solid-gold Ron Paul statue that adorns the city plaza of Paulville, New Texas’ capital city, Paul thanked the crowd and promised to “do right by the people of New Texas, who made the right choice at the polls today.” Ten minutes of sustained applause later, Paul took a moment to raise his campaign manager, Ron Paul CCN-14139-093, to eye level and personally thank him for “knocking this one out of the park.” Paul then thanked his wife, Carol, and their five children who, not being Ron Paul, will live in orbit around New Texas. Read the full story here.

Daniel Kurtzman:

Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama’s Electoral College records.” –Jay Leno

“A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.” –David Letterman

“The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. All over the country, what did voters have to do on their scantron sheets? Fill in an ‘O.’ Huh, where have I seen that before? And no surprise, it starts out white and you’re forced to fill it in black.” –Stephen Colbert

“Obama’s been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, they’re heart’s not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchana said, “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.’” –Bill Maher

“They also on Fox News questioned the timing of the benefit. They said, what’s the rush? I know, when will liberals get it? Storm victims do not want food and blankets, they want answers about Benghazi.” –Bill Maher



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One Comment . Leave a comment below.
  1. That last cartoon

    with Romney on the roof is absolutely brilliant – especially because the car bears a prominent “GM” medallion.

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