Weekly Joke Revue: “What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“There’s a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, ‘What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She’s so mad that Romney didn’t win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove’s wife.” –David Letterman

“You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney’s Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn’t work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn’t want a vice president with two first names.” –David Letterman

“Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.” –Conan O’Brien

“Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg.” –David Letterman

“Folks, I’m no fan of ‘Sesame Street.’ They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting.” –Stephen Colbert

“James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it’s really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn’t it?” –David Letterman

“The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who — well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He’ll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney’s health care plan.” –Bill Maher

“The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama’s dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it’s time to take a shower.” –Bill Maher

“Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me.” –Bill Maher

“Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney” –David Letterman

“On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney’s staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it ‘the scariest two minutes of my life.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I’m checking for updates on the campaign’s ‘I’m with Mitt’ app. It still works, and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for Mitt Romney. I tweeted this one today — ‘I’m With Mitt.’ Then later, ‘I’m Standing With Mitt.’ And eventually, ‘I’m In The Fetal Position With Mitt.’” –Stephen Colbert




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Sat 29 Apr 7:23 PM