Weekly Joke Revue: Congress Torn Between Pledge To Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being Of Nation

Gail Collins, surely America’s most gifted columnist:

Also, Mitt loves practical jokes, and if Obama had really wanted to get in the spirit of things, he could have had Romney arrested by the Capitol Police in the lobby.

Onion:

Congressman Torn Between Meaningless Pledge To Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being Of Nation

WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country. “On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents. “At the end of the day, it’s a question of whether a nonbinding signature on an outdated and worthless pledge written 26 years ago is more important than preventing the nation from completely going to hell. I just don’t know what to do here.” When reached for comment, Norquist urged the pledge’s signatories in Congress to “remember what’s really important” before sacrificing utterly irrational principles for the sake of the country’s future.

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who’s part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee’s and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there’s one thing a mistress hates, it’s a guy who cheats.” –Bill Maher

“This is why I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military.” –Bill Maher

“The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that’s the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama is in town today. He’s visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he’s visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that’s a different story.” –David Letterman

“The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.” –Jay Leno


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4 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. Have to say...

    …the headline of this post seems more like reality than a joke!

    • Oh Gail

      She had almost went a whole column, a rarely insightful and witty one I might add, while avoiding her worst addiction. But like Aunt Helen at Foxwoods, Gail can’t resist a cheap crap shot when the opportunity arises. I think tying that joke to a roof would have been charitable than beating it to death.

      • Gail is Awesome

        The column was fine. I saw her appear as a guest on a late night talk show. The first words out of her mouth: “I don’t think I ever mentioned that Mitt Romney drove to Canada . . ” etc. Hilarious.

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