Weekly Joke Revue: Boehner: Obama Needs to Stop Acting Like He Won the Election

Borowitz:

Boehner: Obama Needs to Stop Acting Like He Won the Election

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Tensions over the so-called fiscal cliff reached a boiling point today as House Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of acting like he won the November election.

“Our message is clear: Mr. President, we are ready to negotiate with you,” Mr. Boehner told reporters. “But this nonsense of acting like you won the election has got to stop.”

Lashing out at Mr. Obama’s “delusional arrogance,” Mr. Boehner added, “I don’t know what planet he thinks he won an election on, but this whole ‘the American people elected me’ act is getting a little old.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed Mr. Boehner’s sentiments, stating, “The President’s budget proposal sounds like the ravings of a man who thinks he won fifty-one per cent of the popular vote and three hundred and thirty-two electoral votes. When he decides it’s finally time to return to Realityville, he knows where to find us.” …

“That business about raising taxes on the rich was—pardon my French—freaking hilarious,” Sen. McConnell said. “I’m glad that losing the election hasn’t made the President lose his sense of humor.”

Kurtzman:

“The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.” –Jay Leno

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he’s taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he’s meeting with donors. He better hope they’re brain donors.” –Jay Leno

“General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don’t have sex with the woman who’s writing your life story.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites.” –Conan O’Brien

“The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney has a new job. He’s going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you’re at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, ‘I understand there’s some trouble?’” –David Letterman

“The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It’s all part of their ‘For the last time, we’re not Muslim’ campaign.” –Conan O’Brien



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Wed 3 Sep 3:00 AM