Weekly Joke Revue: “Holiday Letter from John Boehner”

Borowitz:

A Holiday Letter from John Boehner

Dear American People:

It’s Speaker Boehner here, writing my first and last ever holiday letter to you. Why am I doing this after all of these years, you might ask? Well, I won’t mince words. I’ve started drinking a little early this Christmas.
Yes, I’m sitting here in my man-cave, panelled in mahogany the color of me, doing a rack of Canadian Club shooters and smoking my way through a carton of Lucky Strikes as if they were the last Twinkies in creation. If my chief of staff knew that I was writing to you while I was this polluted, he’d shit a phone book. But guess what? I don’t fucking care anymore.

You see, this will be my last Christmas as Speaker of the House, all because a cabal of Tea Party miscreants in the House of Representatives doesn’t think I’m a ginormous enough asshole for their taste. Who’s more to their liking? Virginia’s own Eric Cantor. As a waiter might say at an all-you-can-eat shit buffet, “Excellent choice.” How odious is Eric Cantor? Let me put it this way: when we have to speak to the press, I actually prefer to stand next to Mitch McConnell.

What will life be like under Speaker of the House Eric Cantor? Well, he’s the guy who recommended cuts in disaster funding just hours after tornadoes hit Joplin, Missouri. Nice. And it was his “never met a dick-measuring contest I didn’t like” pathology that helped create last year’s debt-ceiling crisis. You can’t put a price tag on a performance like that. Well, actually you can: it cost the country nineteen billion dollars. Starting to miss me already, aren’t you? Fuck you.

So have a very Eric Cantor Christmas, America, and as that smug four-eyed sociopath drives the entire nation off the cliff, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now leave me alone, God damn you. Damn you all to hell.
Happy Holidays,

Speaker Boehner

Onion (catching up edition):

After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 20162:37
Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans’ deep-seated, seething fury after this election.

“Young, exciting, it feeds off fear and terror …” Click here to see the video, which is currently experiencing embedding problems: it is worth it.

More from The Onion:

‘I Want To Congratulate The President,’ Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign

BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and final lie of his 2012 campaign when he offered his “sincere congratulations” to President Barack Obama. “This has been a hard-fought and closely contested campaign, and while we’ve had our share of disagreements, there has always been a great deal of respect and admiration between myself and the president,” said Romney, concluding 17 months’ worth of manipulative falsehoods, half-truths, and outright fabrications with one last bald-faced lie. …

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Fri 31 Oct 7:42 PM