Weekly Joke Revue: NRA releases instructional video

NRA releases instructional video produced by its top educators (hat tip, Moveon)

Daniel Kurtzman:

“The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere.” –Bill Maher

“Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said ‘we must stopped being the stupid party.’ Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, ‘How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.’” –Bill Maher

“Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he’s got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage.” –Bill Maher

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world’s largest social network is raising money for the world’s largest governor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama’s focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They’re doing a hell of a job themselves.” –Jay Leno

“North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean.” –Conan O’Brien

Onion:

Filthy Mitt Romney Delivers Campaign Speech To Audience Of Confused Shoppers In Ohio Safeway

CANTON, OH—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, an unkempt and thoroughly disheveled Mitt Romney gave an impassioned campaign speech Monday to a group of bewildered shoppers inside a local Safeway.

Sources confirmed the filth-covered former presidential candidate walked into the store unannounced early yesterday evening, went to the store’s cereal aisle, and started to play Kid Rock’s “Born Free” on a portable boom box, enthusiastically waving and pointing to no one in particular.

As customers began to recognize the 2012 GOP nominee through his scraggly beard and uncombed hair, Romney reportedly picked up a can of Pringles from a nearby shelf, held it near his mouth, and began loudly addressing the growing crowd of confused onlookers. …

Witnesses told reporters that Romney walked around the store barefoot as he gave his speech, wearing only a pair of dirt-caked jeans and a wrinkled dress shirt covered in food stains. …

“President Obama is trying to distract everyone from his record, because he knows his policies have done nothing to rebuild our economy,” said Romney, eating from a large box of croutons he had taken from the salad dressing aisle. “My five-point plan will scale back the job-killing policies of the current administration, promote small business, cut tax burdens, and put Americans back to work again.”

Sources said a weeping Ann Romney at one point attempted to pull her husband out of the store by his arm but was angrily rebuffed, with the 65-year-old retired businessman yelling that he was “trying to do [his] job here.”

Romney then reportedly climbed atop a checkout counter, rolled up the torn sleeves of his shirt, and started calling on different customers for questions about his tax policy.

“And now, I’d like to welcome on stage the best decision I ever made aside from marrying Ann—the next vice president of the United States, Paul Ryan!” Romney exclaimed as he grabbed the hand of a nearby cashier and attempted to pull her onto the counter to stand alongside him. “From the moment we take office, Paul and I are going to fight for each and every one of you and restore the promise of this great nation.” …



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Thu 24 Apr 1:01 AM