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The regular Joke Revue continues below:
While I’m Glad I Won, I Personally Believe Abraham Lincoln Deserved To Die
By Daniel Day-Lewis
Tonight I had the great honor of receiving the Academy Award for Best Actor for my performance in the film Lincoln. It is my immense privilege to receive an Oscar for the third time in my career, especially for portraying such an historic figure. And as I look back on this role, I can only feel deeply honored and humbled for the praise and respect I’ve received, even though I personally believe that Abraham Lincoln was an American traitor who deserved to die.
Honestly, this award truly is a tremendous thrill for me. And the fact that I’m being awarded for portraying a liar, a fraud, and an enemy of justice whose murder was fully justified doesn’t change that. … [Click here to read the full piece].
“The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he’ll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring.” –Conan O’Brien
“Here’s one of the odd things about being Pope. You’re the Pope and you’re in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss’s son.” –David Letterman