Weekly Joke Revue: Republicans Apologize to top 1.5 percent

Borowitz:

Republicans Apologize to top 1.5 percent

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of the fiscal-cliff deal, Republicans in Congress issued a heartfelt apology to the top 1.5 per cent richest people in America, offering “messages of profound condolence” for allowing their taxes to increase slightly.

“Our hearts go out to them,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), still teary-eyed after hanging up the phone with a multimillionaire in Orange County, California. “We came to Washington to do the work of 1.5 per cent of the American people, and we didn’t get it done.” …

Mr. Boehner said that he tried to offer the wealthy consolation by reminding them that because of an increase in payroll taxes, millions of middle-class and working-class Americans would be suffering more than they would: “That usually put them in a better mood.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) assailed the fiscal-cliff legislation today, calling it “a classic example of putting 98.5 per cent of the American people ahead of the rest of the country.”

Offering words of hope to the top 1.5 per cent, Mr. Cantor said, “In a few months we’ll have the next debate about the debt ceiling. As God is my witness, we will try to do a better job of bringing this nation to the brink of Armageddon.”

But to billionaires such as Harland Dorrinson, a longtime super-donor to the G.O.P., such assurances ring hollow: “If the fiscal-cliff deal is the kind of performance we can expect from Republican politicians, what’s the point of owning them?”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” –Craig Ferguson

“This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing on this show.” –Conan O’Brien

“Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.” –Jay Leno

“Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans.” –Stephen Colbert, on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP



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2 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. great cartoons

    I’m a longtime fan of Clay Bennett. His post 9/11 cartoons are still the basis of my lesson on the event. Just wish he used the conditional correctly.

    sabutai   @   Sat 16 Feb 3:37 PM

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