Obama Orders Reinvasion Of Iraq After Illuminating Trip Through Bush Presidential Library
DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered the United States military to reinvade Iraq.
The president told reporters that the museum’s numerous displays provided illuminating information concerning the ongoing threat posed by Iraq and the necessity of re-deploying combat troops in order to bring stability and lasting democracy to the troubled country.
“I have no doubt in my mind, after spending some time in Mr. Bush’s library and museum, that the United States simply must intervene in Iraq in order to temper volatility in the Middle Eastern region as a whole,” Obama said, noting that bombers and approximately 250,000 ground troops were currently en route to the Middle Eastern nation. “The way I now see it, we have a responsibility as Americans to create that kind of change and to lead the world by example.”
“Though it will not be easy, our work in Iraq will ensure a better life for the Iraqis,” Obama continued. “And they will, I am confident, greet us as liberators.”
Pointing to the array of informational displays and exhibits housed in the former president’s 226,000-square-foot educational facility, Obama said he was “absolutely convinced” that al-Qaeda has established a major foothold in Iraq and that the people of Iraq deserved to live in a society that is “free of fear and free of want.” …
“They hate our freedoms,” Obama continued.
REPUBLICANS: OBAMA MUST TAKE ACTION IN SYRIA SO WE CAN CRITICIZE ACTION HE TOOK IN SYRIA
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A growing chorus of Republican lawmakers are demanding that President Obama take some action in Syria so that they can attack whatever action he took in Syria.
Appearing on CBS’s “Face the Nation” on Sunday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) laid out the situation in stark terms: “The time for President Obama to do something in Syria that we can eviscerate him for is long overdue.”
Arguing that there are a variety of options available to Mr. Obama for dealing with Syria, Sen. Graham said, “The President needs to choose one of those options so that we can immediately identify it as a catastrophic choice and demand that he be impeached.”
Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) used an appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” to express impatience with Mr. Obama’s “steadfast refusal to give us something new to rake him over the coals for.”
“The American people have grown weary of my nonstop criticism of the President’s handling of Libya,” he said. “They are ready to hear me incessantly berate him for his handling of a different country.”
At the end of his television appearance, Sen. McCain seemed to draw a line in the sand, making a direct challenge to Mr. Obama: “Mr. President, we are sick and tired of attacking you for your inaction. The time has come for us to attack you for your action.”
“The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it.” –David Letterman
“You know what the worst job in America is? It’s newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at Dodger Stadium how things are going for him.”-Jimmy Kimmel
“Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he’s in the shallow end.” –Jay Leno
“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.” –David Letterman
“Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.” –Craig Ferguson
“Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation.” –Bill Maher
“The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama… believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He’s been apprehended, he’s facing jail time, and he’s leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016.” –Bill Maher
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“Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital.”
Stephen Colbert