WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama’s handling of controversies about the I.R.S., the Justice Department, and Benghazi has raised “grave doubts” about his ability to cope if he ever became involved in an actual scandal, prominent Republicans said today.
“If this is how he handles this stuff, Lord have mercy on him if he ever has to deal with a real scandal,” said newly elected Rep. Mark Sanford (R-S. Carolina). “Quite frankly, I don’t think he has what it takes.” …
Mr. Sanford’s concerns mirror those of another leading Republican lawmaker, Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana).
“If President Obama honestly thinks he’s dealing with scandals right now, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what a scandal is,” Sen. Vitter said. “And that’s very worrisome.”
“When you get that three A.M. phone call, and it’s a reporter claiming that a prostitute said you like to dress up in a diaper, are you prepared for that call?” Sen. Vitter said. “In the case of President Obama, I am afraid that the answer is no.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who for the past forty-seven years has served as a weekend scoutmaster for the Boy Scouts of America, angrily resigned from that position yesterday, effective immediately.
Justice Scalia quit his post in a terse resignation letter that read, in part:
“Some of the happiest memories of my adult life have been as a scoutmaster. Huddling under blankets around the campfire, and so forth. But now, all of that has been ruined. Ruined.”
Shortly after sending the letter, Justice Scalia destroyed his scoutmaster uniform in the blazing fireplace of his Supreme Court office.
Later, he went across the hall to share his decision with his close confidant on the Court, Justice Clarence Thomas, telling him, “There’s nowhere I feel safe anymore, Clarence. The military? The N.B.A.? Nowhere. I guess the only place I still feel safe is the Supreme Court. This is still a safe place, isn’t it?”
Justice Thomas said nothing in reply.
“Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.” –Conan O’Brien
“During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.” –Conan O’Brien
“Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.” –Jay Leno
“Weiner said about the city, ‘Nobody will work harder to make it better.’ As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was ‘Nobody will work better to make it harder.'” –Jay Leno
“So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.” –Jay Leno
Jon Stewart destroys Peggy Noonan on the flip.