Onion:
Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Clear John Kerry After Exhaustive 9-Year Investigation
ARIZONA GOVERNOR VETOES ANTI-GAY BILL: “LET’S FOCUS ON DISCRIMINATING AGAINST MEXICANS”
PHOENIX (The Borowitz Report)—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a controversial anti-gay bill last night, telling reporters, “Let’s focus on discriminating against Mexicans.”
Governor Brewer said that while “the intentions behind this bill were obviously excellent,” she was worried that the bill “would distract us from our main mission of harassing, tormenting, and otherwise making life miserable for Mexicans.”
Although Governor Brewer said that she could foresee a time when Arizona might “branch out into discriminating against gays,” the decision to veto the anti-gay bill in the name of anti-immigrant pride was not difficult: “Arizona needs to stick to what it does best.”
RAND PAUL: HILLARY COULD BE DERAILED BY LITTLE-KNOWN LEWINSKY AFFAIR
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Potential Republican Presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) said today that he believes he has a “secret weapon” that will derail Hillary Clinton’s 2016 White House bid: “A little-known affair between her husband and a White House intern, Monica Lewinsky.”
Appearing on the Fox News Channel, Paul told the host Sean Hannity, “Sean, when the American people find out about this scandal, they are going to be shocked, truly shocked. It didn’t get a lot of coverage at the time.”
Asked by Hannity how the scandal could have remained under wraps for so long, Paul replied, “You’ll have to ask Bill and Hillary that. Let’s just say they’ve pulled a lot of strings to keep this story out of the mainstream media.”
“Unfortunately for them, Sean, I have the details on this juicy scandal and I’m prepared to share them with the American people,” he said. “I think it’s going to be a game-changer.”
While he believes that the shocking revelations about President Clinton’s Oval Office dalliances will be enough to destroy Hillary’s 2016 ambitions, Paul confirmed that he has other arrows in his quiver.
“It turns out that Hillary was involved in a business deal called Whitewater,” he said. “When the American people find out about this, it’s going to blow their minds.”
“CNN is canceling Piers Morgan’s talk show. Yes, it’s been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out.” –Craig Ferguson
“The Russians finished up with a win in their favorite sport, the biathlon. What a country. They love biathletes, but they hate bi-athletes.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money.” –Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, ‘Rome was not un-built in a day.’ In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar.” –Jimmy Fallon
“A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they’d love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, ‘I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O’Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book ‘Killing Jesus.’ I’m going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well.” –Jimmy Kimmel
ramuel-m-raagas says
Too bad this Onion report came out before our Secretary of State was getting votes for confirmation. Kerry did not need more Senate votes anyway. We would not have to be staring at this heroic Governor Brewer had not Napolitano stayed on as Arizona Governor and out of our President’s cabinet. It might come down to the fact that Arizona, Ohio and Florida need Democrat Secretaries of State elected into public office.
The Onion newscaster looks as professional with her hair and make-up as the newscasters on our flatscreen televisions. I thought that Onionites would have looked chubby on chips and soda.