Onion:
Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center, the escalating conflict between Russia and Ukraine has left Americans sharply and bitterly divided along ignorant and apathetic lines, with the nation’s citizenry evenly split between grossly misinformed and wholly indifferent factions.
“The very real threat of a Russia-Ukraine war has completely polarized the general public, pitting two deeply entrenched blocs against one another: those who have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about and those who couldn’t care less,” said Pew spokesman Andrew Collins, noting that the ouster of Ukraine’s president Viktor Yanukovych and Russia’s subsequent occupation of Crimea has inflamed tensions between the two sides to a level unseen since the height of the war in Syria. “This is not a distinctly regional or socioeconomic split, either. We’re seeing local workplaces, friends, even families ripped in two by their desire to either ignore the whole thing completely or spout an inane, half-witted opinion on it like they’re some geopolitical expert.”
“And as the situation develops and Western powers become more involved, these divisions will only appear more stark,” he added. “In the coming weeks, we can expect to hear a growing cacophony of uninformed and harebrained calls for action or restraint from one side, and absolutely nothing at all from the other.”
Results of the poll found that the two sides are at odds on nearly every facet of the crisis, from last week’s protests in Kiev, to Ukraine’s freeing of former president Yulia Tymoshenko, to Russian president Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the Crimean Peninsula in defiance of Western warnings, with neither group seeing eye-to-eye on any of the developments’ significance—or whether they even have any significance to begin with.
Additionally, nearly half the U.S. public has put forth numerous breathtakingly naive potential solutions to the crisis—which range from economic sanctions on Russia, to economic sanctions on Ukraine, to deploying the U.S. military to the “middle of Asia” to solve the standoff—while an equal number of Americans firmly and repeatedly stated their commitment to not giving a shit one way or the other. …
Borowitz:
PUTIN RECEIVES STRONG WORDS OF SUPPORT IN NINETY-MINUTE CONVERSATION WITH SELF
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin received “strong, unqualified words of support” last night in a ninety-minute conversation with himself, Mr. Putin confirmed today.
The invasion of Crimea was the main topic of the conversation, which Mr. Putin described as “extremely collegial and enthusiastic.”
“We discussed a wide range of issues, including how everyone in Ukraine had invited us to come to Ukraine, and also how the soldiers reported to be in Crimea were not actually Russian soldiers but, in fact, local volunteers who looked a lot like Russian soldiers,” he said. “There was strong agreement on all of these matters.”
Mr. Putin pronounced the ninety-minute conversation “exceedingly helpful.” He added: “It was exhilarating to be able to talk at length with someone for whom I have such boundless love and respect.”
Buoyed by last night’s positive dialogue, Mr. Putin said that he planned to have many such conversations in the days and weeks ahead. “It was good to hear how splendidly everything was going,” he said.
“Putin doesn’t know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us.” –David Letterman
“Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It’s kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ they’re actually asking.” –Seth Meyers
“Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a ‘thug,’ and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, ‘My friend here will take care of you.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn’t show it. And I’m going to guess they’re not going to show the Tony Awards either.” –Conan O’Brien
edgarthearmenian says
And whatever happened to the GOP mantra of “self-determination”??)))))))))))))))