CNN APOLOGIZES FOR BRIEFLY AIRING NON-FLIGHT 370 STORY
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CNN apologized to its viewers today for briefly airing a story on Sunday that had nothing to do with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.
The story, which caused thousands of viewers to contact the network in anger, had something to do with Crimea, Ukraine, and Russia.
In the official apology, CNN chief Jeff Zucker wrote, “On Sunday, we briefly cut away from our nonstop coverage of Flight 370 to talk about something else. We’re not going to sugarcoat it: we messed up. CNN regrets the error and promises our viewers that it won’t happen again.”
Crimean Voters Excited To Exercise Democracy For Last Time
SIMFEROPOL, UKRAINE—Following yesterday’s referendum in which 97 percent of voters cast ballots in favor of seceding from Ukraine and joining the Russian Federation, Crimean citizens expressed their excitement Monday at participating in the democratic process one final time. “It brought me such great personal joy to head to the polls and, for the last time ever, have my vote tallied and actually mean something,” said local businessman Sergei Petrov of his vote in support of annexation by Russia, echoing the enthusiasm of hundreds of thousands of his fellow Crimeans who proudly took part in their final opportunity to assert their collective will at the ballot box. “Yesterday was a historic day for Crimea. Our people had a say in their future, and our voices were heard loud and clear, which is extremely special given that it won’t happen again for who knows how long.” At press time, Crimeans were commemorating the vote to become Russian citizens by eagerly watching and reading coverage of the momentous event in the limited handful of sanctioned media sources they now have available to them.
“Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!” –Jimmy Fallon
“Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you’ve ever met, every place you’ve been, every place you’re going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like…” –Jimmy Fallon
“This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn’t where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it’s not where it should be — kind of like the letters in ‘Reince Priebus.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, ‘Reince Priebus’ sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare.” –Seth Meyers
“This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still ‘unacceptably high.’ Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed.” –Jimmy Fallon
“There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plan went down because it was emboldened by Obama’s weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia.” –Bill Maher
“The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, ‘This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!’ And then someone said, ‘We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehner’s face.” –David Letterman
“As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on.” –David Letterman
Jasiu says
Jimmy Fallon Friday night regarding Harvard’s upset victory over Cincinnati in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament:
Disclaimer: I’m a Michigan State alum and will be rooting for the Spartans tonight. Not in a sweater vest. 🙂
jconway says
You better be grateful my alma mater (Chicago) withdrew from the Big 10 and destroyed our football stadium to make a bigger library :D. I believe the Spartans took our slot.
The State/U Michigan rivalry seems a lot more heated than than a few interstate ones. I’ve noticed friends from Michigan root for state while out of state friends who go to Ann Arbor bleed blue and yellow.