A bit of a thin weeks for jokes, fortunately as David noted, we’ve got Jeff Jacoby hard at work channeling the spirit of the Revue. With that, Borowitz:
IRAQ TO HAVE UNITY GOVERNMENT BEFORE U.S.
BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—In a meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki on Monday, Secretary of State John Kerry stressed the importance of forming a unity government in Iraq but refused to commit to a timetable for creating one in the United States.
The sensitive topic of a unity government for the United States came at the end of a thirty-minute meeting, during which Secretary Kerry lectured the Iraqi Prime Minister about the value of a government “where people of different parties put aside their differences, make meaningful compromises, and work together for the good of the nation.”
Taking this in, al-Maliki agreed that it was an excellent idea and politely asked Secretary Kerry if the United States had ever considered forming such a government. …
“I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It’s just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen.” –David Letterman
“I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you though was a friend shoots you in the face.” –Jon Stewart on Fox News’ Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq
“It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We’re still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn’t win. If that doesn’t get people to start watching soccer, nothing will.” –Craig Ferguson