Borowitz:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The morning after Tuesday’s stunning Tea Party victory in Virginia, House Republicans unveiled a sweeping new legislative agenda, proposing an end to Social Security, a return to child labor, and unprecedented gun rights for pets.
“The Republican Party is the party of common sense,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “And such common-sense proposals as electronic ankle bracelets for immigrant babies and a barbed-wire fence with Canada are long overdue.”
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) echoed Speaker Boehner’s sentiments as he touted his signature legislation, “to put Americans under the age of twelve back to work.”
“Instead of spending all day playing with Xboxes, our kids should be in factories assembling them,” he said.
As for what is perhaps the most controversial G.O.P. proposal, guaranteeing gun rights for pets, Boehner said, “It’s clear that the authors of the Second Amendment meant it to apply to all mammals. All our new law says is, if you have four legs and a tail, you get a gun.”
When asked about future relations between House Republicans and President Obama, Boehner did not mince words. “If the President thinks he’s going to get the kind of cooperation and flexibility he’s gotten out of us for the past six years, he’s kidding himself,” he said. “The honeymoon is over.”
SCIENTISTS CONSIDER NEW NAMES FOR CLIMATE CHANGE
NEW HAVEN (The Borowitz Report)—After a report from the Yale Center on Climate Change Communication showed that the term “climate change” elicits relatively little concern from the American public, leading scientists are recommending replacing it with a new term: “You will be burnt to a crisp and die.”
Other terms under consideration by the scientists include “your cities will be ravaged by tsunamis and floods” and “earth will be a fiery hellhole incapable of supporting human life.”
Scientists were generally supportive of the suggestions, with many favoring the term “your future will involve rowing a boat down a river of rotting corpses.”
“Any of these terms would do a better job conveying the urgency of the problem,” Tracy Klugian, a spokesperson for the newly renamed Yale Center for Oh My God Wake Up You Assholes, said.
Onion:
Resigning House Leader Cantor Reflects On All The Accomplishments He Thwarted
WASHINGTON—Looking back on his 13-year tenure in the House of Representatives with reverence, resigning House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) reflected on the long list of accomplishments he had thwarted during his time in office, sources confirmed Thursday. “From obstructing a jobs bill to put Americans back to work in 2011, to derailing gun control measures any time they reached my desk, I feel blessed to have had such an incredible run of preventing productive policies, and even a few pieces of landmark legislation, from ever passing,” said Cantor, explaining that as a young man, he “never would have dreamed” that some day he would be in a position to hinder the entire American lawmaking process and completely neuter dozens of bills. “Of course, I’m disappointed because I thought I had many more years of impeding accomplishments ahead of me, and I’ll be the first to admit that I never quite managed to stall environmental policies as much as I would have liked. But at the end of the day, I’m very proud of how I helped Congress accomplish so little during my time in office.” …
“Something happened this week that in the past was always completely not controversial, we brought home a prisoner of war. Bowe Bergdahl is his name, from the Afghanistan war. Of course if you saw Fox News, you saw what really happened: Obama surrendered to the Taliban.” –Bill Maher
“It was a tough week for conservatives because, you know, on the one hand they love the military and soldiers, but they hate Obama. So at first, FOX News was like, ‘We don’t want to weigh in until all the facts were distorted.'” –Bill Maher on the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap
“I’m kidding, of course. They weighed in right away. And the conclusion they came to is if there is one inviolate, eternal, etched-in-stone rule, which is that we never leave an American solider behind in war, unless Obama does it and then of course it’s a stupid, horrible thing to do.” –Bill Maher
“Exactly right. Good presidents, people like George Bush, he sends people to war. They don’t bring them home and rescue them. This is America, we rescue insurance companies and banks.” –Bill Maher
“We don’t trade terrorists for hostages. We trade arms for hostages. But there are of course aspects of this story that are actually controversial. Like this guy may very well have been a deserter, which is not good. You just can’t pick up and leave in the middle of your job. You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska.” –Bill Maher
“Look, whatever happened over there in Afghanistan, we’re not going to find out or really know for a while. He will spend weeks, they say, recovering and then months until he can get an appointment at the VA.” –Bill Maher
Christopher says
Please do not give the GOP any ideas!:)