LEBRON TO ANNOUNCE DECISION AT UNITED NATIONS
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—N.B.A. superstar LeBron James said Tuesday morning that he would announce the name of the team that he is signing with on Thursday at a special session of the United Nations General Assembly to be convened especially for that purpose.
“This decision affects everyone on the planet,” James said. “I want to let all the nations on Earth know at the same time.”
An emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council on Tuesday was deadlocked on the issue, with seven members wanting James to remain in Miami, seven others hoping for a return to Cleveland, and Lithuania abstaining.
The Miami Heat president, Pat Riley, and the Cleveland Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert, both confirmed that they would be in the audience at the United Nations to hear James announce his decision. “I’m not going to lie: I wish he’d tell me in advance,” Riley said. “But I guess I’ll have to wait to hear along with Russia, China, Ecuador, and everybody else. That’s the way LeBron wants it.”
To help him with his decision, the N.B.A. star has assembled an esteemed circle of advisers, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and the scientist Stephen Hawking, all of whom are expected to be in attendance for the United Nations announcement.
The U.N. General Secretary, Ban Ki-moon, acknowledged on Tuesday that the world body had many other issues on its plate, including conflicts in the Middle East and Ukraine, but added, “It’s really hard to focus on anything until we know where LeBron is going.”
Sonny Corleone Would Still Be Alive Today If He Had E-ZPass
COMMENTARY • Opinion • Movies
By Charles J. Galvin, CEO, E-ZPass GroupOver the years, I’ve watched The Godfather more times than I can count. It is, without a doubt, a crown jewel of American cinema. No matter how many times I see it, though, there’s one part I can never make it through without getting a little lump in my throat. That’s because with each viewing, I become more convinced that had Sonny Corleone been driving a car equipped with E-ZPass, he would still be alive today.
You recall the iconic scene: With tensions rising between the Five Families, a trap is laid for Sonny, who, shortly after handing a bill to a man behind a tollbooth, is brutally gunned down by rival gangsters. It’s a hard two minutes for anyone to watch, but for me, the chief executive of a multistate electronic toll-collection system, it’s especially tough.
You see, with an E-ZPass transponder affixed to the windshield of his vehicle, the eldest son of the Corleone family likely wouldn’t have had to slow down past 10 miles per hour, let alone come to a complete stop as he passed through the toll plaza. Nor would he have had to pay his toll in cash and wait around for his change. No, at a participating E-ZPass facility he would have quickly and comfortably passed through the collection booth, living to see another day.
The ease and convenience of E-ZPass would have saved his life. End of story. …