Borowitz:
Fleeing Iraqis Relieved That Cheney Has No Regrets About War
BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—Just days after former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that he had no regrets about the invasion of Iraq, people fleeing their homes across that war-torn nation expressed tremendous relief that he was at peace with his decision.
As news spread that Cheney would not change a thing about the 2003 invasion, Iraqis driven out of their villages and towns by marauding terrorists called the former Vice-President’s words well-timed and soothing.
Sabah al-Alousi, who fled Mosul when ISIS militants overran it last month, said that Cheney’s confident pronouncement about the invasion of Iraq “is the first good news I’ve heard in a long time.”
“As I’ve fled from town to town, looking for a place where I might not be suddenly slain for no reason, the one thought that kept nagging me was, ‘How does Dick Cheney feel about all of this?’” he said. “I can’t tell you what a relief it is to know he isn’t losing any sleep.”
The Iraqi man said that he had been concerned that Cheney might harbor regrets about Iraq, such as the trillions of dollars spent, thousands of lives lost, W.M.D.s not found, and international disgrace of Abu Ghraib, but thanks to the former Vice-President’s recent statements, “I now see that I was worried about nothing.”
“Iraq is a scary place right now,” al-Alousi said. “The country could be broken into pieces, or become a part of an Islamic caliphate, or be the scene of unspeakable sectarian violence for years to come. But somehow, knowing that Dick Cheney would do it all over again if he could makes everything a little better.”
Christie: I Would Bring Traffic Over the Border to a Standstill
IOWA CITY (The Borowitz Report)— Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.-Mexico border to a virtual standstill.
“There are ways of keeping people from getting to where they want to go,” Christie said, claiming that he was the only Republican hopeful with the hands-on experience necessary to fix the border crisis.
The New Jersey governor was vague about how he would halt traffic over the border, but exuded confidence that he was the right man for the job.
“I’d make a few phone calls,” he said. “It would get done.”
“I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She’s a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment.” –Stephen Colbert
“The Times is reporting that Montana Sen. John Walsh plagiarized at least 25 percent of master’s thesis in grad school. Walsh totally denies it and said, ‘I am not a crook,” and “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. So far the best idea is making a line for people who know what they’re doing and another line for people who have never been to an airport before.” –Jimmy Fallon
“According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You’re lucky, because the most popular form of greeting here in New York is the middle finger.” –David Letterman
“Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I’m surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating.” –Seth Meyers
“It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families.” –Craig Ferguson
“But you know what? Hollywood liberals, they are still crazy in love with him. Even when his motorcade turns the freeway into a parking lot, they’re like, ‘That was the most inspirational traffic jam ever. The way all the cars came together…'” –Bill Maher
“You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water.” –Conan O’Brien
“Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he’s made of wood.” –Seth Meyers
“Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israeli’s agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food – how Jewish is that? ‘We’re going to attack you, but first you should eat.'” –Bill Maher
“Rupert Murdoch. the guy that owns FOX News. is wanting to buy Time Warner – which owns HBO – in which case you could kiss my ass goodbye. Yes, welcome to ‘Real Time with Bill O’Reilly.'” –Bill Maher
“Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes.” –Bill Maher
“New Rule: Americans who couldn’t get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn’t mean that we’re not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It’s a giant bore. Involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy, and what could go wrong with that?” –Bill Maher
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He’s out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study.” –David Letterman
“This week Dick Cheney called President Obama ‘the worst president of my lifetime.’ Oh come on, Obama may not be perfect, but there’s no way he’s worse than John Quincy Adams.” –Seth Meyers
“During yesterday’s World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase ‘natural born prankster’ written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison.” –Jimmy Fallon
ramuel-m-raagas says
It might have had been Donald Rumsfeld, who when still in our cabinet, contrived to image the Iraq War as all too-liberating and freedom-providing, Rumsfeld purported that the War, which Obama eventually ended, was the friend of Iraqis oppressed under Saddam.