Senator To Try Submitting Rejected Bill To Canadian Parliament
WASHINGTON—Disappointed after a bill he had been working on for years failed to advance through Congress, Sen. Edward J. Markey (D-MA) informed reporters Tuesday that he had decided to submit his rejected legislation to the Canadian Parliament. “Obviously, it’s not my first-choice legislative body, but they’re still a pretty good group of lawmakers and I’d be proud to have them approve my resolution,” said Markey, who admitted that his bill would affect fewer people if passed in Ottawa, but “at least [he’d] be getting it out there.” “It’s a legitimate, respectable governmental branch, and I’d rather see this bill become law in Canada than have it just sit here, unenacted, in my desk drawer. To be honest, trying to get this thing onto the floor of the U.S. Senate probably wasn’t a very realistic goal in the first place.” At press time, sources reported the senator was trimming down several long provisions in the bill and giving it a splashier title in hopes that the Texas state legislature might vote it into law.
From the great NYC climate march:
Borowitz:
Colorado School Board Votes to Ban Students
ARVADA, Colo. (The Borowitz Report) — A conservative school board in Arvada, Colorado, that earlier purged its history curriculum of materials it deemed unpatriotic has voted to ban students from its schools for espousing similarly objectionable views.
“At the end of the day, it would be the height of hypocrisy to ban unpatriotic books from our schools but allow unpatriotic students to attend them,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the school board, said. “This was a very easy call for us.”
Cheney: “No Fair” That Obama Gets to Bomb Syria
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a Thursday appearance on the Fox News Channel, former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that it was “no fair” that President Obama gets to bomb Syria.
“I’m envious as hell,” he told Fox’s Sean Hannity. “That was on my bucket list.”
Asked if he had any advice for the President on bombing Syria, Cheney said, “Just enjoy it. It doesn’t get any better than this.”
The former Vice-President struck a philosophical note at the conclusion of his interview with Hannity. “Look, I had a good run,” he said. “I got to bomb Afghanistan, and I got to do it to Iraq—twice. But to see someone finally get to bomb Syria and it’s not me? I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt like hell.”
Americans Who Have Not Read a Single Article About Syria Strongly Support Bombing It
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report) — In a positive development for the U.S.-led campaign of air strikes in Syria, a new poll indicates strong, broad-based support for the mission among people who have yet to read a news article about Syria.
According to the poll, released on Tuesday, the bombing campaign got a thumbs-up from people who had no information about Syria’s civil war, including its duration, the parties involved, and what a Sunni is.
“President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that’s going on in the world, I’m surprised he didn’t salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they’ll start locking the front door. They’re also going to start asking who’s there when someone knocks.” –Conan O’Brien
“That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient,’ and also offended Jewish people. Which means he’s one “pull my finger” away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.” –Jimmy Fallon