Apologies for distracting everyone from the truly hilarious prospect of a Boston 2024 bid committee that says its goal is transparency, but won’t make the terms of its bid proposal public. Still, we do our best at the Joke Revue:
Borowitz:
New Proposal Would Provide Grand Juries with Eyes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the heels of an initiative to provide police departments with body cameras, there is growing support for a plan to supply grand-jury members with eyes, advocates for the plan said on Wednesday.
“Body cameras are an important part of the solution,” said Harland Dorrinson, who is lobbying Washington to equip grand juries with the sense of sight. “But I strongly believe that if you take video evidence and add eyes, the combination would be unstoppable.”
Some critics of Dorrinson’s proposal say that it does not go far enough, and that in order to process information sent from their eyes grand juries would also need to be fitted with working brains.
“Yes, in a perfect world, all grand juries would have brains,” Dorrinson said. “But progress is an incremental thing. Let’s start with eyes and eventually work our way up to brains.”
G.O.P Aide Regrets that Attack on Obama Daughters Overshadowed Insults About Their Parents
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Republican congressional aide Elizabeth Lauten said on Sunday morning that she “deeply regretted” her attack on Sasha and Malia Obama because it “completely overshadowed the vicious insults I hurled at their parents.”
Appearing on Fox News, Lauten said, “If I had to do it over again, I’d leave the girls out of it so that the horrible things I said about their parents would have had a chance to shine through. I’m kicking myself about that.” …
“If what I’ve gone through helps others to do a better job of vilifying the President and the First Lady, it will all have been worth it,” she said.
Jon Stewart on The Eric Garner grand jury decision: