Partisans of the Revue haven’t had to wait as long as usual this week: here is the second one in just three days. Happily, we have a rich trove of material, and now that our one-week spring has ended and winter has returned, perhaps it will be more useful as a cheerful distraction than evah.
President Obama at the Gridiron Club Dinner:
“This is my third appearance at this dinner as president. And I predict you will laugh harder than ever. I’m not saying I’m any funnier. I’m saying weed is now legal in D.C. I know that’s how you guys are getting through this dinner. That’s why you ate the food.”
“The other week [Walker] said he didn’t know whether or not I was a Christian. And I was taken aback, but fortunately my faith teaches us forgiveness. So, Gov. Walker, as-salamu alaykum.”
“Gov. Walker got some heat for staying silent when Rudy Giuliani said I don’t love America — which I also think is a problem. Think about it, Scott — if I did not love America, I wouldn’t have moved here from Kenya.”
“Over the past several weeks, many of you have been writing about a possible conservative coup — or as Bill O’Reilly calls it, ‘reporting from the war zone.'” He’s been sniffing around. The good news is, Bill has an eyewitness who can back up some of his claims. The bad news, of course, is that it’s Brian Williams.”
“We also have Dr. Ben Carson. He wants to make it clear that being here was a choice. The fact is, doctor, embracing homosexuality is not something you do because you go to prison. It’s something you do because your vice president can’t keep a secret on Meet the Press.
“I got flak for appearing on a video for BuzzFeed, trying to reach younger voters. [Featured here the on the Joke Revue – ed.] What nonsense. You know, you don’t diminish your office by taking a selfie. You do it by sending a poorly written letter to Iran. Really, that wasn’t a joke.
“During an interview with Playboy — that’s right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.” –Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.” –Jimmy Fallon
It turns out they’re already trying a bunch of nicknames to try to hype up the match. First they considered ‘Vanilla in Manila.’ Next up, they tried ‘Lean and Mean versus L.L. Bean.’ Finally, ‘Mitt Romney Loses to Another Black Guy.'” –Jimmy Fallon
Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of ‘The Bachelor.'” –Conan O’Brien
“I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.” –David Letterman