Rand Paul Joins Crowded Field of People Who Will Never Be President
LOUISVILLE (The Borowitz Report)—With an official announcement on his campaign Web site, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) has joined a crowded field of people who will never be elected President in their lifetimes.
While Paul and Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) are the only officially announced Republican candidates with a zero-per-cent chance of ever winning the Presidency, a burgeoning roster of totally pointless candidacies is waiting in the wings.
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, and neurosurgeon Ben Carson are just a few of the men thought to be considering squandering time and money pursuing an office that they will never occupy in a billion years.
On the Democratic side, only former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley has stepped forward as someone who could only be elected to the White House in an alternate universe.
Minutes after his announcement, aides to Senator Paul said that they believed that he would emerge as the top choice of voters who are determined to waste their votes in 2016.
“There’s no one out there who has a more remote chance of being elected, unless Trump decides to run,” one aide said.
Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable
DECATUR, IL—Expressing relief that he would not have to construct an entirely new diatribe from scratch, local man Harold Willis was reportedly pleased Monday to discover that most of his anti-Hillary Clinton rant from the mid-1990s was still perfectly usable. “I got rid of the stuff about her ’93 health care plan, but besides that and a few other tiny fixes, there was still lots of good material,” said Willis, adding that once he updated it with a couple Benghazi details and a quick tag about the recent controversy over the presidential candidate’s State Department email server, the well-worn harangue would be good as new. “I figured out I could just replace the part about her being a frigid woman with how she’s just another corrupt Washington politician, so that was an easy fix. I’ll probably tighten up the Whitewater section a bit, but unless there are any big surprises during campaign season, this should easily last through the election.” At press time, Willis happily realized he could simply recycle the allegation that Clinton conspired to murder Deputy White House Counsel Vince Foster without changing a single word.
“John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he’s still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, ‘Why is he talking to that mannequin?'” –Jimmy Fallon
“John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.” –Jimmy Fallon