Borowitz:
Indiana Governor Stunned By How Many People Seem to Have Gay Friends
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Indiana Governor Mike Pence is “stunned and amazed” that so many people appear to have gay friends, Pence has confirmed.
Speaking to reporters in his office in Indianapolis, Pence said that he made the astonishing discovery about gay friends late last week.
“A lot of everyday people have gay friends, and they’re not afraid to call and/or e-mail you to tell you that,” Pence said. “To be honest, I’m still trying to process it all.”
Pence said that from what he has been able to gather thus far, the phenomenon of “ordinary folks” having gay friends “has been going on for years.” …
“When I see so many people having gay friends, it makes me wonder if I should go out and get one,” he said. “But I guess that would be kind of hard for me to do now.”
Cruz’s Constant References to Jesus Drive Millions to Atheism
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s constant references to Jesus Christ in his speeches and campaign ads are sparking a strong interest in atheism among millions of Americans, atheist leaders report.
Since Sen. Cruz (R-Texas) announced his candidacy two weeks ago with the words “God isn’t done with America yet,” a substantial number of Americans “have begun seriously questioning the existence of God,” said Carol Foyler, the executive director of the American Society of Atheists.
“It’s been amazing,” Foyler said. “We’re getting calls from people who are curious about atheism for the first time in their lives. And when we ask them what got them thinking about it, they all say the same thing: ‘I just heard Ted Cruz talk.’ ”
Foyler said that her group often notices a surge in atheism after natural disasters or other traumatic events that rattle people’s faith, but, she added, “We’ve never seen anything like Ted Cruz.”
After Cruz aired an Easter weekend campaign ad in which he spoke of the transformative power of Christ, Foyler said, “Our phones were ringing off the hook.” …
Peace with Iran Could Limit Ability to Bomb It, Warns McCain
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after world powers successfully negotiated a nuclear-framework agreement with Iran, Sen. John McCain warned that a lasting peace with the Middle Eastern nation “could greatly limit our ability to bomb it.”
“President Obama is hailing this framework as something that could enhance the prospects for peace in the Middle East,” McCain told reporters at the United States Senate. “For those of us who have looked forward to bombing Iran for some time now, that would be a doomsday scenario.”
“Rand Paul announced he is running for president and bloggers pointed out that his campaign symbol, a small flame, looks nearly identical to the logo for the dating app Tinder. It’s appropriate because in either case you have no idea what you’re getting into and it probably won’t work out.” –Seth Meyers
“President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you’d expect — telling people, ‘Uh, no, I don’t play for the Jazz.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.” –Jimmy Fallon
“You’ve all heard about the Indiana religious freedom law? Some people think it’s anti-gay. Well, presidential hopefuls Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have all come out in favor of the new law. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say ‘come out.'” –Seth Meyers
“Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they’ll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, ‘I didn’t even know they were dating.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he’s running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, ‘Happy to help. Can’t wait.'” –Jimmy Fallon
Christopher says
“Cruz’s Constant References to Jesus Drive Millions to Atheism” unfortunately points a little to too close to the truth for comfort. People of that ilk really are destroying Christianity IMO and leading so many millenials especially to abandon the church and declare there atheism. Those of us who are liberal mainline Protestants fight an uphill battle against the idea that Jesus’s teachings are no longer relevant almost as hard as we do against the Religious Right. It is very frustrating.
petr says
… who can’t do their homework and defaults to atheism because of what Ted Cruz says probably doesn’t have the intellectual muscle to successfully pick their nose in the first place. Cruz is an idiot and anybody who simply thinks that atheism is apposite to his idiocy is probably an idiot themselves.
“Atheists” who don’t do their homework are no better than “Christians” who don’t do theirs…
kbusch says
Your homework is due Friday. Submissions after Friday will not be accepted.
oddjob60 says
“Deval Patrick to Join Bain”