Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:
Campaign Slogan: “I Studied This Time”
Experience: Effectively and efficiently led bungling of 2012 presidential campaign
Policies: Tough on crime, specifically homosexuality
Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport
Biggest Liability: Public forums
Greatest Political Accomplishment: Provided underserved minorities and mentally retarded individuals with access to quality executions
Oh, And: Was recently issued felony indictment for abuse of power as Texas governorSouth Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham:
Marital Status: Single, but on the prowl
Distinction Among Other GOP Candidates: Most recent
Voter Appeal: Popular with voters who believe America not currently in enough wars
Appearance: Excited boy getting his first tricycle
Family: Has relatable 50-year-old sister just like you and me
Name Recognition Among Sen. John McCain: 100 percent
Percent Of Body Mass That Is Sweet Tea: 17
What He’s Wearing Under That Little Three-Button Navy Blue Number: Absolutely nothing
Biggest Obstacle To Winning Presidency: (Tie) Personality, voting record, stances on various issues, physical appearance, fundingFormer Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:
Age: 23 years younger than average supporter
Birthplace: America he barely recognizes anymore
Campaign Goals: Keep the rampant liberalism in the Republican party in check
Economic Platform: More of a social issues guy
Trademark Look: Suit, tie
Debate Strategy: Hoping to be permitted to watch from green room
Hobbies: Searching for intelligently designed life on other planets
Views On Hardcore Pornography: Included in presidential platform
Motivation For Running: Kill some time before going to Heaven
Biggest Controversy: Is presidential candidate
Jasiu says
I liked this from Borowitz this week:
Bob Neer says
I posted that Borowitz bit in the Revue last week. Excellent to be reminded of it. A fine example of satire.
Jasiu says
Need to pay more attention… 🙂