Onion:
Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces
‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers
WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces. “To be honest, I’m just violently mad, and Trump’s done a great job of pointing me in the direction of things to wreck—although, if things change and I end up mercilessly ripping into Trump instead of rabidly backing him, that would be just fine too,” said Nashua, NH resident Jeff Waldman, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of thousands of Trump supporters nationwide, each of whom confirmed that they ultimately just wanted to be part of something destructive, whether it was at a pro-Trump rally, an anti-Trump rally, or some other outlet for their bitterness and indignation. “You’ve got to hand it to the guy for helping me channel my all-consuming rage about my own lot in life into ruthless attacks on immigrant families, women, and the other presidential candidates. But really, there’s no reason I couldn’t unleash that vicious energy on Trump himself. Either way, I get to yell.” Trump’s supporters added that, if all else failed, they could always go back to directing their blinding fury at their spouses and children.
Santorum Nostalgic For Time When Beliefs Were Outlandish Enough To Make Headlines
WASHINGTON—Wistfully recalling the prominence he had in previous campaign cycles, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters Monday that he is nostalgic for a time when his beliefs were considered outlandish enough to make headlines. “I sure do miss the days when I could steal the spotlight just by saying that I believe birth control is wrong because sex must be procreative, or that Palestinians don’t actually exist,” said Santorum, lamenting that previous comments about not wanting to improve the lives of African Americans by “giving them somebody else’s money” made him sound like just another member of the 2016 GOP pack. “Back in 2003, capturing the media cycle for a few days was as easy as telling the press that I believe same-sex relationships are equivalent to man-on-dog sex. Now, even if that got reported, people would think it was Cruz, Rubio, or Carson half the time.” Santorum added that he was somewhat envious of fellow candidate Mike Huckabee, who had briefly garnered press attention by stating that a 10-year-old raped by her stepfather should be denied an abortion.
Borowitz:
Federal Judge Admits Having Brady on Fantasy Team
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Minutes after overturning Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for the 2015-16 N.F.L. season, federal judge Richard M. Berman raised eyebrows by admitting that he had the Patriots quarterback on his fantasy team.
Responding to reporters’ questions, Berman said that Brady’s inclusion on his fantasy roster “played no role whatsoever” in his judicial decision.
“As a federal judge, I made this ruling based strictly on legal precedents and the merits of the case,” Berman said. “But, as a fantasy-team owner, sure, it’s going to be awesome to see Tom in there for all sixteen games.”
The judge said that he was especially looking forward to seeing how Brady takes advantage of what he called “an amazing array of offensive weapons.”
“Gronk is going to have a big year, and even if Julian Edelman isn’t ready for Week One, I think Reggie Wayne is going to surprise a lot of people,” Berman, who also has selected Wayne for his fantasy team, said.
For his part, Brady minimized the role that Berman’s fantasy team might have played in Thursday’s legal victory. “A win’s a win,” he said.
Nation with Crumbling Bridges and Roads Excited to Build Giant Wall
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As America’s bridges, roads, and other infrastructure dangerously deteriorate from decades of neglect, there is a mounting sense of urgency that it is time to build a giant wall.
Across the U.S., whose rail system is a rickety antique plagued by deadly accidents, Americans are increasingly recognizing that building a wall with Mexico, and possibly another one with Canada, should be the country’s top priority.
Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a Washington-based think tank called the Center for Responsible Immigration, believes that most Americans favor the building of border walls over extravagant pet projects like structurally sound freeway overpasses.
“The estimated cost of a border wall with Mexico is five billion dollars,” he said. “We could easily blow the same amount of money on infrastructure repairs and have nothing to show for it but functioning highways.”
Congress has dragged its feet on infrastructure spending in recent years, but Dorrinson senses growing support in Washington for building a giant border wall. “Even if for some reason we don’t get the Mexicans to pay for it, five billion is a steal,” he said.
While some think that America’s declining infrastructure is a national-security threat, Dorrinson strongly disagrees. “If immigrants somehow get over the wall, the condition of our bridges and roads will keep them from getting very far,” he said.
“Today is a special day. Today is women’s equality day. Donald Trump calls it, that time of the year again.” –Conan O’Brien
“It’s come out that Donald Trump’s grandfather owned a brothel. When reached for comment Trump said, screwing people for money is a long family tradition.” –Conan O’Brien
“There was a time when it seemed unimaginable that Joe Biden could ever be taken seriously enough to win his party’s nomination, but Donald Trump just blew that idea right out the window.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for ‘lamest use of a magic wand.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Trump said he thinks Hillary Clinton should face up to 20 years in prison over her email scandal. When they heard that, even the ladies on ‘Orange Is the New Black’ were like, ‘Oh God, please no. Move us.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“At Ohio State University, it was just announced a tiny human brain has been grown in a lab. Isn’t that crazy? And it’s already announced its support for Trump for president.” –Conan O’Brien
“It has come out that implementing Donald Trump’s immigration policy would cost taxpayers $166 billion. Today Trump said, ‘So what? You spend the money, you declare bankruptcy, and then you start a new country. Boom. Right? You move on.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said last night that Jeb Bush is ‘totally out of touch on women’s health issues.’ Which is kind of like Jared Fogle telling you you’re creepy.” –Seth Meyers
“According to a new survey, 17 percent of adult smartphone owners use auto-deleting apps like Snapchat and Wickr. ‘Yeah, uh, that’s what happened!’ said Hillary Clinton.” –Seth Meyers
“CNN’s newest polls show that Donald Trump is leading Hillary Clinton in Florida. It’s scary, because if that could happen in Florida, it could also happen in the United States.” –Seth Meyers
“The TSA’s airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They’re saying, ‘Wow, 14 states. That’s more than half of the states.'” –James Corden
“New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.” –Jimmy Fallon
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