Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear
‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice
A disoriented Rubio says he is unsure if he has been in the room for five hours or five days.
UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.
As Rubio sat up slowly on a steel cot—the room otherwise empty except for a large Koch Industries logo emblazoned on one wall—sources said he was startled to hear a soothing voice reverberating inside his aching skull, evidently emanating from the smooth metal disk that he gingerly touched while panic began to well in his chest.
“Hello, Marco,” said the oddly familiar voice. “We are very pleased to have you as our guest. We have so much planned for you.”
“Remember, what’s best for us is best for you, Marco. Now, let’s begin with an exercise on threats to American free enterprise and prosperity.”
“Now that you’ve rested, we can begin,” the voice continued.
Rubio, whose heart was reportedly racing, is said to have broken into a cold sweat as he frantically tried to piece together the hazy details from the night before. Though he could vaguely recall having attended a fundraising dinner at the Cato Institute the previous evening, the presidential candidate was reportedly only able to remember drinking a strange-tasting glass of champagne at the event before everything went blank, leaving him without any recollection of the intervening hours before he awoke in the windowless, featureless room somewhere inside the Koch brothers’ sprawling subterranean facility. …
Hat tip to doubleman for this treasure:
Palin Endorsement Widens Trump’s Lead Among Idiots
DES MOINES, Iowa (The Borowitz Report)—An endorsement from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is expected to widen Donald J. Trump’s already impressive lead among so-called “idiot voters,” an aide to the billionaire said on Tuesday.
While Trump was previously thought to have a lock on the idiot vote heading into the Iowa caucuses, a recent surge by Senator Ted Cruz, of Texas, has put the idiots back in play.
Cruz has worked tirelessly in recent weeks to tailor his message to undecided idiots, even revamping his stump speech to rid it of two-syllable words.
“That’s why Palin supporting Trump and not Cruz is such a win for us,” the Trump aide said. “She’s been out of politics for awhile, but she still has idiot cred.”
The aide said that no one should be surprised by the bond between Palin and Trump. “They’re both reality-show hosts,” he said. “And by lowering the bar in 2008, Palin singlehandedly made Trump’s candidacy possible.”
But even as the Trump campaign staffers celebrate the Palin endorsement, they recognize that they still have their work cut out for them to secure victory in Iowa. “Getting the idiots to support Trump is only half the battle,” the aide said. “Now we have to make sure that they make it to the caucuses without getting lost on the way.”
“Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him ‘mano a mano.’ In response, Trump said, ‘See, he’s not from this country.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Dr. Ben Carson said today that although Donald Trump has announced he will boycott the debate, Carson ‘wouldn’t be surprised if he did show up.’ Then again, it’s Ben Carson. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn.” –Seth Meyers
“We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, ‘I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.” –Conan O’Brien
“We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.” –Seth Meyers
“One thing’s for sure, if Donald Trump started shooting people on Fifth Avenue he wouldn’t hit any Trump supporters. They’re not going to Saks, they’re over in Times Square at the M&M store.” –Seth Meyers
“After a really warm December, this was kind of a relief. Climate change has not ended winter, it just packed the whole damn thing into one weekend.” –Stephen Colbert
“The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow.” –Jimmy Fallon
“At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a ‘weak-kneed capitulator in chief.’ When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, ‘Of course I do — it’s one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian.” –Conan O’Brien
“Jeb tweeted today that if Donald Trump is the nominee Hillary Clinton will be elected president and we can’t let that happen. Jeb is painting himself as the only candidate who can beat Hillary. Meanwhile his brother George is at home painting portraits of his dog.” –Jimmy Kimmel